Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #369 · 2026-10-31

Nigel Quigley
of Pendry, Prosser and Gopal Cavity Care Partnership

a replacement for a porch that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 369: Nigel Quigley of Pendry, Prosser and Gopal Cavity Care Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no survey, no porch to fit it to

“Bernard asked whether porches notice things and offered tea; caller lost the thread and opted for the post.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Nigel Quigley Hello there, Nigel Quigley here from Pendry, Prosser and Gopal Cavity Care Partnership. I'm ringing about your porch — brilliant bit of porch, by the way — just had a thought about its replacement.
Bernard Well, that's very kind of you — it's a lovely porch, isn't it, keeps the rain off nicely. Now, are you selling, or asking? I never can tell from the word go.
Nigel Quigley Ha, that's a fair question — brilliant, honestly. Selling, in the nicest possible way, because the new porch arrives pre-fitted to a porch that isn't there. That's the whole trick of it, you see.
Bernard Oh, so it comes with the porch already on it, and there's no porch to put it on? That's a funny sort of arrangement. Would it fit above a bungalow at all, do you think?
Nigel Quigley Above a bungalow, that's a lovely idea, I'll note that down. Now I know what you're thinking — nothing's broken, so why replace it — but that's exactly when we like to get in there, before anything's even slightly off.
Bernard Well, you're right there, nothing's broken — it's stood up to everything. The greenhouse has a cracked pane and I've left that alone for years. Now, would your new porch need to be bolted to anything?
Nigel Quigley Bolted, bolted, let me find that in my list. While I've got you, though — the survey, shall I book it in before the old porch notices anything's up? That's the bit I need from you.
Bernard Before the porch notices. Do porches notice things, then? I'd have to think about it — I'm not saying no. What day were you thinking, and would you want a cup of tea when you got here?
Nigel Quigley Tea noted, and thank you. I've lost the thread of this entirely, so I'll post the whole thing to you instead and leave you in peace.
Bernard Sorry to hear that. I was very interested indeed. You get yourself home safe now.
Nigel Quigley I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by praising the existing porch, then steer toward its replacement.
  2. Explain the new porch arrives pre-fitted to a porch that isn't there.
  3. Address the obvious objection: nothing is broken, so nothing needs replacing.
  4. Ask for the yes by booking the survey before the old porch notices.

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