Call #366 · 2026-10-31
Fergus Harkness
of Cranbourne Fen Holdings
a bundle of a drain and a padlock · bundle
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, caller rang off mid-pitch
“Bernard asked whether the drain wanted feeding; caller moved to mark it down as a yes, then said he'd ring back.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Fergus Harkness
Good afternoon, this is Fergus Harkness at Cranbourne Fen Holdings, and I'm speaking with the person who looks after drainage and perimeter assets for the locality — that'll be you. It's about a bundle.
Bernard
Well, hello there, young man. I'm afraid you've caught me with my boots off, so to speak — it's the front one that sticks, you know, you have to lift it. But go on, a bundle of what?
Fergus Harkness
Bernard, the bundle is a drain and a padlock, and I want you to think of them as one inseparable arrangement — they're supplied together, always together. That's the whole point of it, and I'm the one on this floor who explains it best.
Bernard
A drain and a padlock. Well, that's a new one on me, I must say. Would the drain want feeding, do you think, or is it more of a self-sufficient sort of thing?
Fergus Harkness
I know what you're thinking, Bernard, that a drain and a padlock share nothing — and that's precisely why the joint efficiency is so hard to beat. Two needs, one arrangement. That's the Cranbourne Fen way, and I'd not waste your afternoon on it if it weren't.
Bernard
Oh, I'm not wasting anything, this is the best afternoon I've had in a while. Joint efficiency, you say. Now, would that come in a green, or is it more of a grey affair?
Fergus Harkness
Let's not get lost in the details there, Bernard, because the main thing is you're getting both in a single order today. Shall I put you down for the bundle?
Bernard
Well, I'd have to think about it — oh, hold on, the immersion has two settings and I've gone and left it on the high one. Give me a moment. What was it you wanted me down for again?
Fergus Harkness
The bundle, Bernard — the drain and the padlock, ordered as one today. I'll assume that's a yes because I know a sensible man when I'm talking to one, so can I mark it down?
Bernard
That's very good of you to say so, and I'm very interested, I truly am. Now, tell me, would it be all right in a small place, or does it need a bit of room to itself?
Fergus Harkness
I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by greeting the person responsible for drainage and perimeter assets at the locality.
- Describe the drain and padlock as one inseparable arrangement, supplied together.
- Address the objection that a drain and padlock share nothing by praising their joint efficiency.
- Ask for the yes on the combined bundle order today.
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