Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #364 · 2026-10-31

Gordon Meek
of Rangi, Ferrier and Iyer Chimney Sweeping Partnership

an upgrade to a pantry shelf you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno survey booked, caller self-terminated, peppercorn unresolved

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a rocking slab; the caller offered the tier, twice, and then the dial tone.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gordon Meek Gordon Meek, Rangi, Ferrier and Iyer Chimney Sweeping Partnership. Quick courtesy call — did your pantry shelf come fitted as standard?
Bernard Oh, is it raining where you are? Sorry, go on — a chimney what, you said?
Gordon Meek Rangi, Ferrier and Iyer. Chimney sweeping on the side, pantry shelves is the day job now. Point is, that shelf you've got can be upgraded to the Rangi Ferrier Tier, same partnership.
Bernard A tier, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Would it need much looking after? There's a bird in the front room, you see, and she gets into everything.
Gordon Meek Looking after it's the easy bit. The upgrade costs you nothing until you actually use the shelf, and after that it's peppercorns.
Bernard Peppercorns. Well now, that's a new one on me. Would that be a yearly thing, or is it more of a one-off?
Gordon Meek I've said the peppercorn line eleven thousand times and honestly I couldn't tell you. Shall I just book the pantry shelf survey for this week?
Bernard You sound a bit tired, Gordon. Have you had your tea? My front path has a slab that rocks — I keep meaning to see to it, but people trip on it.
Gordon Meek No, I haven't, and that's very decent of you. Sorry — where was I — the survey, the pantry shelf survey, this week.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear it, I really am. I was very interested, mind — you take care now, and mind the traffic home.
Gordon Meek Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether their pantry shelf came fitted as standard, a small courtesy call really.
  2. Explain the installed pantry shelf can be upgraded to the Rangi Ferrier Tier, same partnership.
  3. Address the objection: the upgrade costs nothing until they use the shelf, then peppercorns.
  4. Ask for the yes: shall I book the pantry shelf survey for this week?

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