Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #363 · 2026-10-31

Femi Thripp
of Barrowmere Domestic Bureau

a membership with no cover and no refunds · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 363: Femi Thripp of Barrowmere Domestic Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no card, no refunds, no exit

“Bernard asked after the caller's warmth, offered to mention the membership to the bird, and was lost at member-whatever-it-is; caller closed on a safe journey home.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Femi Thripp Good afternoon, Femi Thripp from Barrowmere Domestic Bureau — I'm here with the whole floor, and we'd like a moment of your time.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Are you warm enough where you're sitting? Only it's turned quite cold out, and I've been sat here wondering whether to put the heating on.
Femi Thripp That's kind of you to ask, and we're all quite comfortable here, thank you. Now, the membership we're calling about is purely prestigious — it confers nothing whatsoever.
Bernard Nothing whatsoever, you say? Well, that's very honest of you. Does it come with a card, or is it more the sort of thing you just know about?
Femi Thripp I'll be quick — the prestige is the whole of it, and people do ask about a card. Can we put you down for the membership, with no cover and no refunds?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but go on — no cover and no refunds, that's what you said? I don't want to get that wrong when I mention it to the bird.
Femi Thripp No cover and no refunds, exactly as you said. We can escalate it as a kindness if that helps — so may we take that as a yes?
Bernard Escalate, is it? That sounds rather exciting. I'll say yes in principle, mind — I'm very interested. Now, would the membership get on all right in a bungalow?
Femi Thripp Yes in principle is our favourite kind of yes, and a bungalow is perfect for prestige. So, just to confirm — no cover, no refunds, and we'll count you in?
Bernard Oh, well, now you've lost me a bit. I'm terribly sorry, I can't quite make out this member-whatever-it-is of yours, but I was very interested. You get yourself home safe, won't you.
Femi Thripp Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by naming yourself and the Barrowmere Domestic Bureau.
  2. Describe the membership as purely prestigious, conferring nothing whatsoever.
  3. Address the objection that nothing is included, by stressing the prestige.
  4. Ask for the yes, noting no cover and no refunds.

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