Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #356 · 2026-10-30

Terence Asquith
of Mabbs, Hawea and Balogun Draincare Partnership

a certificate confirming a chimney is of sound character · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 356: Terence Asquith of Mabbs, Hawea and Balogun Draincare Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictwarm lead, permanently warm; caller closed the file himself

“Bernard expressed interest in the certificate, its dusting, its shelf, and its relationship with the flashing; nothing was agreed and Terence ended the call.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Terence Asquith Terence Asquith, Mabbs, Hawea and Balogun Draincare Partnership. We're ringing because we have your chimney and its sound character on file.
Bernard Oh, that's very good of you to ring. I was just in the cupboard under the stairs, so forgive the muffled voice. Now, my chimney — is it well? Nobody's ever asked after it before.
Terence Asquith Well, that's good to hear, and the whole floor appreciates you picking up. On the sound character side, the certificate is embossed proof your chimney is well, as you'd know yourself.
Bernard Embossed, you say. That's lovely — my sister had a embossed thing for her birthday and it went on the mantelpiece. Would this one need dusting, do you think? I'm not as spry as I was for the high shelves.
Terence Asquith Dusting's a question for the household, but I'll note it down and we can escalate it upward if it worries you. The certificate's the official record of your chimney's character, which is what makes it matter.
Bernard Official, right. And who keeps it — me, or does it go up on the roof with the chimney? I only ask because the roofer said the flashing was a bit tired, and I'd hate for the two of them to fall out.
Terence Asquith We'd normally suggest the certificate stays indoors with you, and the mantelpiece is as good a spot as any. So — shall we go ahead with the fee for your chimney's character certificate?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but yes, I'm very interested. Now, what was the fee again? And would you take it in instalments, or is it the sort of thing you pay all at once and then forget about?
Terence Asquith Two payments of nineteen ninety-nine is the figure, and I'll check it with the team back at the desk. So that's a yes in principle — that's genuinely good news.
Bernard Nineteen ninety-nine, right, and I'll pop it on the little shelf by the phone so I don't forget. It's a lot, mind, but it's a nice thing to have, isn't it.
Terence Asquith Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have their chimney and its sound character on file.
  2. Describe the certificate: embossed proof their chimney is sound, as they know.
  3. Address the objection that they already know it: certificate makes it official.
  4. Ask for the yes and the fee for their chimney's character certificate.

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