Call #355 · 2026-10-30
Beverley Thripp
of Calderby Reach Group Holdings
a annual hedge trim that arrives unbidden · unbidden service
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no boundary, caller self-terminated
“Bernard offered the trimmer a bird to watch it; the caller opted for the post.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Beverley Thripp
Beverley Thripp, Calderby Reach Group Holdings — ringing to confirm I've got the switchboard, and I have, so that's the first thing done.
Bernard
Oh, the switchboard! Well, that's lovely. Is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only the side gate sticks, it only opens inwards, so you'd want to come round the front.
Beverley Thripp
I'm not at either door, Bernard — this is a call about your annual hedge trim, which arrives unbidden, as a courtesy to all holdings, at no cost to you whatsoever.
Bernard
A hedge trim, is it? Oh, that's very good of you. Now, would that be for the hedges, or is it more of a trim you'd hang on the wall?
Beverley Thripp
That's right, for the hedges — and I know what you're thinking, nobody asked for it, and you'd be perfectly within your rights. But the trimmer's already en route, so turning it away now would just be a shame all round.
Bernard
Already on its way, you say? Well, I'd have to think about it. Does it want feeding at all, or is it one of those that just gets on with it?
Beverley Thripp
Bernard, it's a yes, isn't it — tidy boundary by the weekend, nothing for you to do.
Bernard
Oh, I wouldn't say no to a tidy boundary. Mind you, my neighbour's the one with the boundary, I've just got the bit of grass. Would it mind a bird watching it?
Beverley Thripp
Beverley's handled thousands of these, so let me just ask you straight, Bernard — shall I keep the trim on the schedule for you?
Bernard
You know, I've had a lovely time. I'm sorry you've had a rough go of it, and I was very interested, truly. Mind the traffic on your way home, now.
Beverley Thripp
I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming you have reached the Calderby Reach Group Holdings switchboard.
- Explain the annual hedge trim arrives unbidden as a courtesy to all holdings.
- Address the objection: no request was made, but the trimmer is already en route.
- Ask for the yes to keep the scheduled trim rather than turn it away.
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