Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #354 · 2026-10-30

Martin Ferrier
of Petley Guttering Ltd

a replacement for a gatepost that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 354: Martin Ferrier of Petley Guttering Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked whether the reserve post needs feeding; Martin referred him to the sheet in front of him, twice.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Martin Ferrier Martin Ferrier, Petley Guttering Ltd. I'm ringing to ask a simple question about your gatepost — is it still standing firm and straight?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Have you had your lunch? I'm terribly sorry, I've not had a caller all morning and I'm a bit behind with things. Now — the gatepost. Straight, yes, I'd say so. Well, the path slab rocks a bit and it makes the gate swing odd, but the post itself is standing there like it owns the place.
Martin Ferrier That's just the thing, and it's covered under our policy forty-one, subsection B — the replacement gatepost kit from Petley Guttering holds a spare post in reserve, so the one you've got is merely the first.
Bernard A spare one in reserve, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Now, does it come in green? Only the gate's green, and I'd not want a post showing it up. And would it need feeding, this reserve post, or does it just sit there quietly?
Martin Ferrier Policy forty-one is perfectly clear, Bernard — it's not broken yet, and that's exactly why we act now. Can I put you down for the standing order for the one post?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Not broken yet — no, that's right, that's just what I said to the bird. Hold on, the ladder in the shed's got a rung missing and I keep meaning to sort that. What was the one post again — is that a yearly thing or just the once?
Martin Ferrier It's a single standing order covering the one post, plainly stated on the sheet in front of me. Bernard, may I take that as your yes?
Bernard Oh, you're very patient with me. Nearly yes — but the bird's just done something on the sill and I ought to see to it. What was your name again, Martin? I'll write it down if I can find something to write with.
Martin Ferrier It's Ferrier, spelled the way the sheet has it, and I've already given you that. Honestly, I think a colleague will have to deal with this one instead.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly. You've been very good to ring, and mind the traffic on the way home, won't you.
Martin Ferrier I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether the gatepost is still standing firm and straight.
  2. Explain the replacement gatepost kit holds a spare post in reserve.
  3. Dismiss the objection: it isn't broken yet, precisely the point.
  4. Ask for the yes on the standing order for one post.

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