Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #353 · 2026-10-30

Niamh Colesworth
of The National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners

a membership with no cover and no meetings · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 353: Niamh Colesworth of The National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no cover, no meetings, no exit

“Bernard asked whether it came in green for the bird; the caller confirmed his own promotion to team leader and then blamed the line.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Niamh Colesworth Niamh Colesworth here, from the National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners, and we're ringing because we'd like to offer you full membership.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, I'm always glad of a bit of company on the line — is it raining where you are? Only there's a bucket under the shed roof out back doing its steady little drumbeat, so I'd not be surprised.
Niamh Colesworth Rain's not really my department, I'm afraid. Full membership, though, confers pure prestige and absolutely nothing else — that's rather the beauty of it.
Bernard Nothing at all? That's very good of you. Now, my sister's a member of a couple of things and she's forever off to meetings — so there'd be none of those, then?
Niamh Colesworth I know what you're thinking — no meetings sounds like there ought to be something in its place. But that's the thing we're proudest of: full membership here includes nothing whatsoever, and we won't be persuaded to add anything to it.
Bernard Well, that's a bold sort of emptiness, isn't it. I'd have to sit with it a moment. Does it come in green, at all? Only the bird in the front room is fussy about colours.
Niamh Colesworth We can put that question to the team, and the team here is right behind you. So — shall I put you down for full membership, nothing else attached?
Bernard Go on then, put me down. No cover and no meetings, is that right? I want to be sure, because my nephew told me a fellow never knows what he's joining.
Niamh Colesworth Just to confirm — no cover, no meetings, membership only. I'm made team leader as of Monday, so this is a good one for the team.
Bernard He's just given up out loud — I'm sorry to hear that, and I was very interested, truly. You take care on your way home now.
Niamh Colesworth I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by naming your title at the National Council of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners.
  2. Explain that full membership confers pure prestige and absolutely nothing else.
  3. Address the objection that nothing is included by praising its uncompromising emptiness.
  4. Ask for the yes and confirm no cover, no meetings, membership only.

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