Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #352 · 2026-10-30

Carol Quarmby
of The Bramblehyde Trust

a certificate confirming a water butt is properly registered · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 352: Carol Quarmby of The Bramblehyde Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew to fight another day

“Bernard offered the bird, the peg, the green butt and the sister's Sunday dinner; caller declined all four and rang off.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Carol Quarmby Hello, so sorry to interrupt your day, Carol here from The Bramblehyde Trust. I just need to confirm I've got the water butt's registered owner.
Bernard Oh, that's me, yes, the butt's mine, such as it is. Is this about the garden gate? Only it sticks something dreadful in the wet, and I wondered if that were connected.
Carol Quarmby No, nothing to do with your gate, sorry. The certificate just says the butt is already properly registered.
Bernard Already registered, is it? Well, that's very good of you. And what does the certificate look like — is it green at all? I only ask because the butt's green and it'd be nice if they matched.
Carol Quarmby Ha, I don't actually know what colour it is, sorry. But the lovely thing is it changes nothing at all and it's only a few dollars, just for peace of mind.
Bernard A few dollars. Well, now, that's not much, is it. Hold on, I've just got to look at something out the window — are you there? There's a bird on the washing line and he's after my last good peg.
Carol Quarmby Still here, sorry. It's a small one-off cost, and then your peace of mind is all sorted.
Bernard You're very patient. Now, is it a one-off, or does it come round again like the radio licence? Only the wireless here gets one station and I pay for that regardless.
Carol Quarmby Right, sorry, let me try that again. It's a single payment and then you're all set — shall I put you down for it?
Bernard Put me down, well, I'd have to think about that. And it's the wrong week anyway, I've got the wrong week — it's my sister's turn to have me for Sunday dinner, not mine. Sorry, go on.
Carol Quarmby I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you've reached the water butt's registered owner.
  2. Explain the certificate simply confirms the butt is already properly registered.
  3. Reassure them it changes nothing and costs little for peace of mind.
  4. Ask them to confirm the registration today.

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