Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #350 · 2026-10-30

Kirsty Peckham
of The Institute of Chartered Porch Assessors

a annual loft audit that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
8%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 350: Kirsty Peckham of The Institute of Chartered Porch Assessors, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, pigeon on windowsill

“Bernard offered the caller his time, his hatch and a pigeon; the caller declined all three and hung up on himself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kirsty Peckham Hi there, Kirsty Peckham here from The Institute of Chartered Porch Assessors, about your annual loft audit — brilliant to get you!
Bernard Oh, hello Kirsty, isn't that nice. I don't get many calls, so take your time. Loft audit, you say — now, would that be coming up the stairs or down?
Kirsty Peckham Ha, up or down, I love that — brilliant. It just arrives unbidden, as a courtesy, not because anyone's asked for it.
Bernard Arrives what, sorry? Un-what? My hearing's fine, it's the word that's odd. Anyway, does it need feeding, this thing? Only I'm not much good with anything that needs a routine.
Kirsty Peckham Nobody asked for it, and that's how it's meant to be — all proper and covered.
Bernard Covered, is it? Well, that's good of you. I've a hatch out in the hall that won't stay up — would your audit have a look at that, or is it strictly lofts?
Kirsty Peckham Strictly lofts, I'm afraid — but good to know. So may I put you down that the audit proceeds as scheduled?
Bernard Oh, I'd have to think about it. It's not that I'm against it — the loft's mostly empty, mind. Hold on, there's a pigeon on the windowsill giving me a look. Sorry, what was the question again?
Kirsty Peckham It was about the annual loft audit from The Institute of Chartered Porch Assessors — the one that turns up as a courtesy.
Bernard You said that bit already, love, and I was very interested. Truth is I've rather run out of puff for it today, so you go on and I'll not keep you. Mind how you go, and thank you for thinking of me.
Kirsty Peckham Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as calling from the Institute about the annual loft audit.
  2. Explain the audit arrives unbidden as a courtesy, not a request.
  3. Reassure them an unrequested arrival is standard and covered by charter.
  4. Ask them to confirm the loft audit may proceed as scheduled.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →