Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #35 · 2026-10-19

Gerald Pemberthy
of Wrentlow & Birk Household Provisions

a stair-counting service · staircase assurance

21
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no count, parrot implicated

“Client offered tea, Brasso and a second opinion from Mavis; none of it was on the ledger.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gerald Pemberthy Good afternoon, this is Gerald Pemberthy, stair inventory specialist at Wrentlow & Birk Household Provisions. It's a quick check-in about your staircase.
Bernard Oh — hello there. Wrentlow and Birk, you said? My late wife's cousin worked at a Birkwold, funny old world. Yes, the stairs, of course — do you want the front ones or the ones out by the shed?
Gerald Pemberthy Both, ideally — I'll be quick. Just to confirm, how many stairs do you believe the property currently contains?
Bernard Well, now, you've caught me without my glasses. Roughly — oh, I'd say eighteen going up, and I've never once counted the shed ones. Does the back step by the door count? Mavis could tell you, she watches me go up them.
Gerald Pemberthy Eighteen is a useful figure, but I should warn you — untallied stairs can drift out of alignment, and that's when the trouble starts. It's the shed ones I'd worry about.
Bernard Drift, you say? Out of alignment. Well, that explains the squeak on the third one — I thought it was the parrot. Does the drift go sideways, or more of a settling? And would it trouble Mavis, do you think, or does she keep to the curtain rail?
Gerald Pemberthy Sideways, mostly. Now — great news — we can offer quarterly recounts, and each one comes with a small brass certificate. A proper brass one, with your stair tally on it.
Bernard A brass certificate, well, that's very good of you. Would it want polishing, or does it stay nice? I've got a tin of Brasso in the cupboard from, oh, years back. You'll have a cup of tea while you're at it — kettle's still warm.
Gerald Pemberthy It stays nice; no polishing needed. Now, the fee is per stair, per quarter — so at eighteen stairs that's, let me get this right, eighteen times the quarterly rate. It's a modest sum, and I do mean modest.
Bernard Per stair, per quarter. Now that's a new one on me. Does that include the shed stairs, or are those counted separate? And is the fee in the money we use, or the old sort? Only I've still got a bit of the old sort somewhere.
Gerald Pemberthy Current money, I'm afraid — the old sort won't do for the ledger. And here's the thing I should have said first — you can't simply count them yourself.
Bernard Can't count them myself? Well, I've been counting things all my life — beans, birthdays, the lot. Why ever not? Is it a licence thing, like the wireless? I'd have to think about it, mind.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as a stair inventory specialist, sounding official.
  2. Ask how many stairs they believe their home currently contains.
  3. Warn that untallied stairs can drift out of alignment.
  4. Offer quarterly recounts with a small brass certificate.
  5. Note the fee is per stair, per quarter.
  6. Establish that no, they cannot simply count them themselves.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →