Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #34 · 2026-10-19

Gareth Pemberton
of Hollisgate Dwelling Supplementaries

a gutter-brush subscription · roof maintenance

27
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no roofline, parrot cleared

“Caller confirmed shed is brown and therefore out of scope; prospect offered tea; subscription remains unbought.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pemberton Good evening, this is Gareth Pemberton calling from Hollisgate Dwelling Supplementaries — am I speaking to the occupier of a bungalow?
Bernard Oh — hello there. Yes, that's me, bungalow, forty-odd years now, no stairs to worry about. Gareth, is it? You've caught me at a good moment, kettle's just on. Are you warm enough where you are?
Gareth Pemberton Gareth, yes, that's right — and thank you, I'm quite warm. Now, the reason for my call is our gutter-brush subscription, where the brushes arrive monthly whether you need them or not.
Bernard Monthly, whether I need them or not — that's handy, because I never know when I need anything. Do they come in green at all? Only the front of the bungalow is green, and I'd not want a clash.
Gareth Pemberton Green, I'll make a note. Now, just to confirm — how many rooflines does the property currently claim?
Bernard Well now, it's just the one roofline, I'd say. Unless you count the little bit over the porch. Oh — and there's the shed, but the shed's brown, so that won't match the green ones.
Gareth Pemberton One roofline plus the porch, and the shed's brown, got it. What I can offer you, Bernard, is a free assessment of the roof you don't have — completely at no cost to yourself.
Bernard Free, you say? That's very good of you. Now, would this assessment man be all right with Mavis? She's a parrot, but she's very welcoming. Mind the step on your way in, it's a bit loose.
Gareth Pemberton A parrot's no trouble at all — I'll make a note about the step. Now, just to mention, the contract renews itself each winter, quietly, all on its own.
Bernard Each winter, all on its own — like the garden, that. Oh — I tell a lie, it's not the winter it renews, it's the spring, first week of March, I'm nearly certain. Now, will Mavis need feeding?
Gareth Pemberton I'll put spring down, first week of March, thank you. And Mavis won't need feeding, I promise. But — and I know this is a strange thing to say on a call like this — has anyone actually bought a gutter brush from me all week?
Bernard Oh, surely somebody has. You've a lovely telephone manner, I'd buy one off you myself if I could work out where the gutter was. Now, Gareth — or Pemberley, was it? — will you have a cup of tea before you go?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Confirm you are speaking to the occupier of a bungalow.
  2. Explain the brushes arrive monthly whether you need them or not.
  3. Ask how many rooflines the property currently claims.
  4. Offer a free assessment for a roof they do not have.
  5. Close by noting the contract renews itself each winter.
  6. Wish them well and mispronounce their name twice.

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