Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #348 · 2026-10-30

Derek Gopal
of Cinderby Group Holdings

a twice a year, whether or not cupboard air subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 348: Derek Gopal of Cinderby Group Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, bird unresolved

“Caller referred Bernard to the policy on air, the policy on renewal and the policy on birds; none of them answered Bernard, and the post will.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Derek Gopal Hello, Derek Gopal here, Cinderby Group Holdings. I'm ringing because your cupboard air subscription is due to start, and I'd like to confirm the details with you.
Bernard Well, you've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on. Cupboard air, you say? Now, my airing cupboard's got a lovely smell of warm towels about it — would your air improve on that or just sit alongside it?
Derek Gopal Derek Gopal, Cinderby Group Holdings — and I should point out our records have that as a Pottle, not a Bernard, so I'll be noting the discrepancy. The cupboard air arrives twice a year and renews itself automatically, which is the whole convenience of it.
Bernard Twice a year, is it? I'd have said twice a month, but never mind. And this renewing business — does it need a hand from me, or does it just quietly get on with it while I'm out in the garden?
Derek Gopal Policy B-14 says no hand from you at all — it gets on with it entirely on its own. And to be clear, that's twice a year, not twice a month; the schedule is fixed and the renewal is automatic.
Bernard That's very good of you. Only my cupboard's fairly full of air already, if I'm honest — the door's a job to shut. Would your air be displacing what's in there, or is there room for both sorts?
Derek Gopal That's covered under section nine of the policy — ours sits alongside what's already there, it doesn't displace anything. So, just to confirm, can I start the automatic renewal for you today?
Bernard Well, that's tempting, but I'd have to think on it. Tell me, would this air of yours upset the bird at all? She's particular about what's in the front room.
Derek Gopal Nothing in the policy covers birds, I can't help there. But it's only the cupboard — shall we set the renewal going?
Bernard Oh, you're very patient with me. Look, I'm sorry to hear it's not worked out, and I was very interested, truly. You get yourself home safe now.
Derek Gopal I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming Derek Gopal of Cinderby Group Holdings, warmly.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly cupboard air delivery and its self-renewing convenience.
  3. Address the objection that the cupboard seems already full of air.
  4. Ask Derek for the yes to start the automatic renewal today.

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