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Call #347 · 2026-10-30

Brenda Eriksen
of Rangi and Daughter, est. 1877

an annual inspection of a garden gate you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the inspection would be all right in a bungalow; caller handed him off to a colleague and rang off.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Brenda Eriksen Brenda Eriksen, Rangi and Daughter, established 1877. I'm after whoever owns the garden gate — it's about your annual inspection.
Bernard Well, now, that's a name with some history behind it. Brenda, is it? I was just thinking about something else entirely, so start me again — the what inspection?
Brenda Eriksen The annual inspection. Of your garden gate. The one we've apparently been inspecting for years and which, between us, I have never once laid eyes on.
Bernard Ah, the annual one. You know, I've a sock gone behind the radiator and I've never laid eyes on that either. Never found the blessed gate, mind — is that a problem?
Brenda Eriksen That's the point, see — the inspection is how we locate it. Can't inspect what we can't find, so finding it is very much part of the service.
Bernard That's very good of you. And finding it, does that take long? Only I'd want to put the kettle on before you arrive, so you're not sat there dry.
Brenda Eriksen Hard to say how long, since nobody's found it yet. So shall we put you down for this year's inspection?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Now, would this be the Tuesday or the Thursday? Only I get the days muddled — it's my sister who does Christmas, or is it the other way round.
Brenda Eriksen We don't have a Tuesday or a Thursday yet — that's what booking sorts out. So, yes to the inspection?
Bernard I'm very interested, I really am. Would it be all right in a bungalow, do you think? Only I've often wondered about that sort of thing.
Brenda Eriksen I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by invoking the firm's 1877 heritage and asking for the gate owner.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a garden gate you have never used.
  3. Address the obvious objection: you cannot find the gate, so inspection locates it.
  4. Ask for the yes on booking this year's inspection of the gate.

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