Call #345 · 2026-10-30
Roy Quarmby
of Zouch Hedgework Ltd
a seasonal porch inspection that arrives unbidden · unbidden service
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
31%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no yes, caller withdrew
“Bernard asked whether the porch wanted feeding; caller asked for the yes; caller rang off.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Roy Quarmby
Roy Quarmby here, Zouch Hedgework Ltd. We're on about the seasonal porch inspection, and I'd like to put your name down.
Bernard
Ah, Zouch. Now then, Roy, who gave you this number? Not that I mind — it's nice to have a voice in the house. And what was it you're putting my name down for? A porch, was it?
Roy Quarmby
Ah, that's kind of you to say. Well, the inspection visits your porch each season unbidden — it's a courtesy, you see.
Bernard
Unbidden, you say. Well, that's very good of it. Does it want feeding, or does it manage on its own? Only I've had trouble before with things turning up unbidden.
Roy Quarmby
Ha, no, nothing like that. It's neighbourly vigilance, plain and simple — our way of keeping an eye out, and the whole floor's behind me on it since Monday.
Bernard
The whole street, is it? That's a lot of neighbours. Well, I'm very interested, Roy, I truly am, only I'd have to have a think on the porch one.
Roy Quarmby
Of course, and a think's all we ask. Since I've the team behind me, I can hold the next seasonal slot for you, and I'd just like the yes on it now.
Bernard
Well, I'd not want to lose the slot, that's for sure. Oh, now, does the team mind the dark evenings? The nights draw in so fast, I always think.
Roy Quarmby
The whole team's right behind you there, dark evenings and all. I'd rather not ring off without the yes on that visit — say the word and it's yours.
Bernard
You're very good to keep on at me. Well, I'm very interested, Roy, and I'm sorry to hear you've had to give up on it, but I'll let you go. Mind the traffic on the way home, now.
Roy Quarmby
I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Introduce yourself and Zouch Hedgework, mention the seasonal porch inspection.
- Explain the inspection visits your porch unbidden each season as a courtesy.
- Address the objection that nobody ordered it by framing it as neighbourly vigilance.
- Ask for the yes on the next seasonal visit slot.
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