Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #344 · 2026-10-30

Colin Mbeki
of Thursby Lound Domestic Bureau

a twice-yearly garden gravel subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 344: Colin Mbeki of Thursby Lound Domestic Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no signature, caller hung up on himself

“Caller lost his place on the page; Bernard lost his glasses; the gravel was never in doubt.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Colin Mbeki Hello there, Colin Mbeki speaking, Thursby Lound Domestic Bureau, and I'm ringing about local garden gravel.
Bernard Oh, hello Colin. Well, that's very good of you. Now, is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only the gate sticks in wet weather, so I'd come round the side if I were you.
Colin Mbeki I'm not at a door at all, Mr Pottle, I'm on the telephone. To be plain: our twice-yearly gravel delivery is a convenience for the locality's gardens, policy fourteen B, and it arrives without you having to do a thing.
Bernard On the telephone, of course you are. Twice a year, you said? Well, I do like a bit of gravel. Does it come in green at all? Only I've got a bird in the front room and I'd want it to look right.
Colin Mbeki Gravel comes in its usual stone shades, and I should say the colour options sit under policy nine, not fourteen B. And the part people like best is that the subscription quietly renews itself, which is simpler for you.
Bernard Renews itself, does it? Well, now, that sounds very tidy. And it doesn't need feeding or anything, this subscription? I'm only asking because I had a thing years ago that wanted feeding twice a week and I never kept up.
Colin Mbeki It's not a creature, Mr Pottle, it's a subscription — no feeding involved. So just to settle the matter, you do want the twice-yearly gravel with the automatic renewal?
Bernard Oh, I'm very interested, don't get me wrong. But I'd have to think about it, and my glasses have gone wandering again. What was the twice-yearly part again — is that twice a year, or twice in the one year?
Colin Mbeki Twice a year means twice in every year, that's the whole of it, and it's written on my sheet in section two, item four. I'll be honest with you, Mr Pottle, I've rather lost my place on this page.
Bernard Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. You've been very good to ring, and I was very interested, truly. You mind how you go now.
Colin Mbeki Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by identifying yourself as Thursby Lound Domestic Bureau, calling about local garden gravel.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly gravel delivery, sold as a convenience for the locality's gardens.
  3. Address the renewal: assure the subscription quietly renews itself, which is simpler for them.
  4. Ask for the yes: confirm they want the twice-yearly gravel and its automatic renewal.

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