Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #343 · 2026-10-30

Terence Tulley
of Cranbourne Fen Hedgework Group

a certificate confirming a radiator is properly registered · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
8%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 343: Terence Tulley of Cranbourne Fen Hedgework Group, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller lost his own leaflet

“Caller lost the run of the certificate and closed the file on himself; Bernard offered tea to a man who was not there.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Terence Tulley Oh hello there, brilliant, this is Terence Tulley from Cranbourne Fen Hedgework Group, and I'm just ringing to confirm you're the radiator owners at the Cranbourne Fen site.
Bernard Hold on, let me turn the radio down — it only gets the one station and it's very fond of itself. Now then. Radiator owners, you say? Well, I've got a radiator in the hall, yes. Not sure I'd call myself an owner, exactly, more of a lodger beside it.
Terence Tulley Ha, a lodger beside it, that's lovely. Well, the certificate's ever so simple — it just registers the radiator you already have, nothing more than that.
Bernard Right, registers it. And that would be for the one in the hall, the long one? Only there's a little valve on it that hisses if you look at it too long. Does the certificate mind about hissing?
Terence Tulley Brilliant, no, the certificate doesn't mind about hissing at all, it's not that sort of paperwork. And I know what you're thinking — it's already been logged somewhere — but it's the paperwork gap we're closing here, the record's simply not in the right drawer.
Bernard Oh, the wrong drawer, I know the feeling, I've a fuse box with one labelled spare and I'm blowed if I know which is which. Now, you said a gap. Is the gap something I'd have to fill in, or is it more of a gap that fills itself?
Terence Tulley Lovely question, and the gap fills itself, you don't lift a finger. So to speak — would you approve the certificate today, and we can get it all squared away?
Bernard Squared away, yes. Well, I'd have to think about it, but you've been very good to ring. Would you like a cup of tea while I think? No, of course, you're not here, are you. What was the certificate again, just so I've got it straight?
Terence Tulley The certificate — right, yes — it's the one that... it's the radiator registration, the one for the site, and, oh, I've lost the run of it now, to be honest with you. No, I'll leave you be. Thanks all the same.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, you sounded like you were doing ever so well. I was very interested, truly. You take care now, and mind the traffic on the way back.
Terence Tulley Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the radiator owners at the Cranbourne Fen site.
  2. Explain the certificate simply registers the radiator they already have.
  3. Head off the objection that it is already registered by restating the paperwork gap.
  4. Ask Terence directly to approve the certificate today.

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