Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #340 · 2026-10-30

Audrey Prasad
of Petrie Guttering Ltd

a six-weekly driveway chippings subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 340: Audrey Prasad of Petrie Guttering Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no yes, caller self-terminated

“Bernard asked twice what the thing was, offered a shed padlock and a wasp instead, and the caller handed him off.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Audrey Prasad Good afternoon, Audrey Prasad from Petrie Guttering Ltd, and we're all very excited on the floor today, so I'll be quick — is this the homeowner with the driveway?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Yes, that's me, the driveway's mine — it's the only bit of the property that behaves itself. Sorry, you'll have to bear with me, I've got a wasp in the kitchen window and we're at a bit of a standoff.
Audrey Prasad A wasp, right, understood — well, the six-weekly chippings top-up is what keeps the drive looking freshly dressed, and as a new team leader I can have the whole floor behind that for you. Shall I put you down as the homeowner with the driveway?
Bernard Well, that's very thorough of you. Six-weekly, you said? Chippings can go green, can't they — do they come in green? Only I'm fond of a bit of green, it goes nicely with the hedge.
Audrey Prasad Not quite the point, but the renewal is automatic — so you'd never have to think about gravel again, and honestly not one of us here would have to either. Now, if the colour question is a sticking point, we can escalate that.
Bernard Automatic, right. So it just happens on its own, like the seasons. And I'd not have to do anything at all? Well, that's very good of you. Hold on, there's a sock gone behind the radiator — no, it'll keep.
Audrey Prasad That's the beauty of it, no effort from you at all — so can I take a yes and confirm the rolling six-weekly renewal? We can escalate it as a kindness if you'd like the sock dealt with too.
Bernard Oh, I wouldn't dream of troubling you with any of that. But a yes — well, I'd have to think about it. Tell me again, what's the thing that arrives every six weeks?
Audrey Prasad The chippings, the six-weekly chippings top-up — the driveway dressed fresh, the renewal rolling on its own, all that. And I'd only be asking you for a yes today, no thinking required.
Bernard No thinking required — that'd suit me some days. It's not the gravel I'm fretting over, it's the shed padlock. No key, you see. Been like that since the spring. Sorry, what was your name again?
Audrey Prasad I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the homeowner with the driveway.
  2. Explain the six-weekly chippings top-up keeps the drive looking freshly dressed.
  3. Reassure the renewal is automatic so they never have to think about gravel again.
  4. Ask for the yes and confirm the rolling six-weekly renewal.

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