Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #341 · 2026-10-30

Tomasz Wainwright
of Rangi Paving and Son

a six-weekly loft audit that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 341: Tomasz Wainwright of Rangi Paving and Son, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictcallback returned, script lost, no audit pencilled

“Caller lost his place on the laminated sheet and withdrew to the post; Bernard offered the front door off the latch regardless.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Tomasz Wainwright Good afternoon, Tomasz Wainwright here, Rangi Paving and Son. I'm returning your call about the loft, as per our callback policy, section four, item two.
Bernard Oh, have you had your lunch? I've had mine, a bit of cheese on a plate, and there's a mouse living in the loft insulation so you'd be very welcome up there. What was it you were paving, the loft?
Tomasz Wainwright I'm glad you've eaten, but we don't pave - paving is a different division entirely, that's a common mix-up. The loft audit is the thing, a six-weekly courtesy we drop in on you.
Bernard A six-weekly courtesy, well, that's very good of you. And you just drop in? Nobody's rung ahead about it? I only ask because the side gate sticks, so you'd want to come round the front.
Tomasz Wainwright Nobody rung ahead, that's quite right, and policy twelve says we don't need to. But unasked visits are the whole point, Bernard - rot gets caught early when it isn't expected.
Bernard Oh, I'm all for catching things early. My father used to say that about the weather, and then he'd go out without a coat regardless. So when would you be coming, then? This week, did you say?
Tomasz Wainwright Policy nineteen is clear that the first audit should be this week, so shall I pencil you in for Thursday?
Bernard Thursday, that'd be lovely. I'll leave the front door off the latch. Will you be wanting a hand up there, or have you got all your own ladders and whatnot?
Tomasz Wainwright To be honest, Bernard, I've lost my place on the laminated sheet and I'm not sure the ladders are even the right item. I'll put all of this in writing instead, and thank you for your time.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I was very interested. You mind how you go now.
Tomasz Wainwright I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open warmly, as if returning their call about the loft.
  2. Describe the six-weekly loft audit as a courtesy we drop in.
  3. Concede nobody asked for it, but insist unasked visits catch rot early.
  4. Ask to pencil in the first audit for this week.

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