Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #337 · 2026-10-30

Siobhan Ncube
of Iyer, Underhill and Prasad Hedgework Partnership

a membership with no cover and no benefits · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 337: Siobhan Ncube of Iyer, Underhill and Prasad Hedgework Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no name on the door, line dead

“Bernard offered the bird as a co-signatory; the caller declined and then reported losing a line that had not been lost.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Siobhan Ncube Hello there, it's Siobhan Ncube from Iyer, Underhill and Prasad Hedgework Partnership. Quick question for you: has the partnership ever put its name to something worthless?
Bernard Oh, hello. Well, now, that's a question and a half, isn't it. Right. I'm listening. Mostly. Worthless, you said — I'm not sure I follow, but I've got the phone book here with the corner turned down, so I can look them up if you give me the name again.
Siobhan Ncube Bernard, it's Siobhan, I've got you. Great news, I'll be quick: our associate membership is prestige only, no cover, no benefits, no obligations whatsoever.
Bernard Prestige only. Well, that's very good of you. Now, does it come in green at all? Only I've got a bird in the front room and she's particular about colours.
Siobhan Ncube Bernard, I love that, I do. Here's the thing though: when you ask me what it includes, I say nothing, and that's the point. Deliberately nothing.
Bernard Oh, I see. Nothing, deliberately. Well, that's rather restful, isn't it — nothing to keep up with. Hold on, my glasses, they're behind the ironing board, I'll just be a moment. Say that bit about nothing again?
Siobhan Ncube Bernard, stay with me, you're doing great. So what I need now is the third bit: put a name on the door beside ours. Whose name would that be?
Bernard A name on the door. Well, now. Could it be mine — Bernard Pottle, that's with two t's — or would the bird do? She's the one who's in most days, truth be told.
Siobhan Ncube Look, Bernard, I'll be honest with you — I'm not going to get this one over the line, am I. Thanks for your time, truly, and I'll just—
Bernard Oh, that's a shame. I'm sorry to hear it — I was very interested, truly. You take care now.
Siobhan Ncube Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether the partnership has ever put its name to something worthless.
  2. Present the associate membership: prestige only, no cover, no benefits, no obligations.
  3. When they ask what it includes, say nothing, deliberately, as the point.
  4. Ask them to put a name on the door beside ours.

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