Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #336 · 2026-10-30

Fiona Mabbs
of Mossbarrow Domestic Bureau

a certificate confirming a fridge is of sound character · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 336: Fiona Mabbs of Mossbarrow Domestic Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno certificate, no quarter, caller stood down

“Bernard offered the caller sympathy and a safe onward journey; the caller offered the phone down.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fiona Mabbs Hello there, Fiona Mabbs here, from Mossbarrow Domestic Bureau — we're just checking we've got the householder responsible for the fridge.
Bernard Well, you've caught me in the middle of something — I'm up to my elbows in the kitchen drawer, all the instructions for things I no longer own. But yes, that's me, I'm the one what answers to the fridge.
Fiona Mabbs Good, good, that's the householder sorted, so the Bureau issues certificates — the whole floor's behind this, I've just been made team leader, actually — certificates saying a fridge is of sound character.
Bernard Team leader, well that's lovely, congratulations. Now — sound of character, you said. Does that mean it's been getting in with a good crowd, my fridge? Only it does rattle a bit at night, I've always blamed the pipes.
Fiona Mabbs Ha, no, it's not about the company it keeps! And look, we do hear this — that you already know your fridge works perfectly well, so why bother.
Bernard Oh, I'm very interested, don't get me wrong. It's just I had a certificate once for something and I've no idea where it went. Do you want me to go and have a look in the hall?
Fiona Mabbs No need to go rummaging — we can have that looked into for you. So shall we go ahead with the certificate for this quarter?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Now when you say this quarter — is that the one after Christmas, or am I getting muddled? I was sure it was my sister's turn to host this year.
Fiona Mabbs No, the quarter's just — the one we're in now. Sorry, I've lost my place in the list a bit here, we usually say the current quarter is the one... anyway, the certificate for this quarter, yes or no?
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, truly I am — you sounded like you were doing a grand job. I was very interested, mind. You go and get yourself sorted, and mind how you go.
Fiona Mabbs Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you've reached the householder responsible for the fridge in question.
  2. Explain the Bureau issues certificates confirming a fridge is of sound character.
  3. Address the objection that they already know their fridge works fine.
  4. Ask whether to proceed with the certificate for this quarter.

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