Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #335 · 2026-10-30

Morag Oyelaran
of The Dunmarsh Trust

a fortnightly greenhouse condensation subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 335: Morag Oyelaran of The Dunmarsh Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, loft hatch unresolved

“Bernard asked whether the subscription would need feeding; the caller confirmed nothing to feed, and the bird was not raised again.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Morag Oyelaran Hello, Bernard? Morag Oyelaran, The Dunmarsh Trust — I'm on the line about your greenhouse, which our records have flagged for fortnightly condensation monitoring.
Bernard Well, hello there — are you selling, or asking? I only ask because the immersion heater's got two settings and I've never worked out which is which, and I've got all afternoon either way.
Morag Oyelaran That's fine, I'll be quick — fortnightly greenhouse condensation monitoring is a small convenience, policy forty-one, something you needn't think about again. Sorry, you were saying something about being asked a question?
Bernard Forty-one, got it. Well, I'd have to think — this business of yours, does it mind the damp in there, or bring its own? It's more of a shed with ambitions, you see.
Morag Oyelaran It renews quietly by itself, that's the beauty — nothing ever lapses, policy nine in your pack. You mentioned damp; should I take the greenhouse line to your attention?
Bernard Oh, it's very good of you to bother. Would this lark need feeding at all? Only I've had the bird long enough to know that anything that quietly looks after itself turns out to want something.
Morag Oyelaran Nothing to feed, I promise. So is it the greenhouse first or the shed?
Bernard Well, they're the same thing really, that's what I keep telling people. Tell you what, let me just get the loft hatch to stay up and I'll give it a proper think — will you hold on a moment?
Morag Oyelaran Right, take your time. Whenever you're back down, it's just the first fortnight from us and then it rolls on by itself.
Bernard I'm sorry to say I've gone and lost my thread with it. I was very interested, truly — it sounds a lovely thing — but I'll not keep you any longer. You mind the traffic going home.
Morag Oyelaran Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open warmly as Morag of The Dunmarsh Trust, grateful for their time.
  2. Describe fortnightly greenhouse condensation monitoring as a small convenience they needn't think about.
  3. Reassure that the subscription quietly renews itself, so nothing ever lapses.
  4. Ask for the yes: confirm their greenhouse and start the first fortnight.

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