Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #334 · 2026-10-30

Nadia Voss
of The Association of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors

a bundle of a side gate and a doormat · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 334: Nadia Voss of The Association of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller exited via post

“Bernard asked which side the gate was for and whether it came in green; caller noted the colour request and stopped the call himself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Nadia Voss Hello there, Nadia Voss from The Association of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors — and I'm just checking that you're the registered keeper of a loft hatch.
Bernard You're very clear, I'll say that for you. Yes, there's a hatch up on the landing, I've never been up it, mind. Registered keeper, that's a grand title for an old man with a step ladder. What does the Association do, then, when it's not checking on hatches?
Nadia Voss Brilliant, a hatch you've never been up — that's wonderful feedback, thank you. So the side gate and the doormat come as one inseparable inspection arrangement.
Bernard Oh, a side gate. I've been meaning to think about the gate. Which side is it for, though — does it matter, or does it sort of find its own side? And the mat goes with it, you say. Together. Like a pair of shoes.
Nadia Voss Ha, a pair of shoes, I like that. Now people do say a gate and a mat sound unrelated, I know, but the gate keeps the path in and the mat marks the door, so they work as one.
Bernard Well, that does make a sort of sense, when you put it like that. The path in and the door marked. I'd want to see it, mind — does the gate come in green? Only the man over the way has a green one and I've always rather envied it.
Nadia Voss Ha, noted — I'll pop that colour request in the file. So shall I go ahead and get the bundle sent out?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Before you do, though, there's a gutter over the back door that's been dripping since Tuesday and it's driving me daft. Would your gate people know anything about a gutter, do you think, or is that a different department?
Nadia Voss Probably a different department, but that's brilliant to know, honestly. Anyway — just to say, the bundle really does go out as one arrangement.
Bernard You're very patient with me. I'm interested, I am, genuinely — I'd just like a day or two to have a proper think about the whole arrangement. Sorry to have kept you so long, and mind the traffic on the way home, won't you.
Nadia Voss I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the registered keeper of a loft hatch.
  2. Present the side gate and doormat as one inseparable inspection arrangement.
  3. Address the objection that a gate and mat are unrelated.
  4. Ask for the yes to dispatch the bundle.

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