Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #332 · 2026-10-30

Frank Wainwright
of Cranbourne Fen Household Bureau

a certificate confirming a soakaway is properly registered · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 332: Frank Wainwright of Cranbourne Fen Household Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller blamed the line

“Bernard went for his glasses in the hall; Frank Wainwright went for the line, and the line took the blame.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Frank Wainwright Frank Wainwright, Cranbourne Fen Household Bureau. Ringing about your soakaway, if you've got a minute.
Bernard I've got all the minutes in the world, Frank. Now, soakaway — is that the thing in the garden that takes the rain off, or have I got that wrong?
Frank Wainwright Yes, that's the one. The certificate simply records the soakaway that's already there and already doing its job — it doesn't change anything.
Bernard So it just says what's already happening. Well, I'd have to think about that. The gate down the side sticks something dreadful in wet weather — I don't suppose the certificate would help with the gate?
Frank Wainwright No, the gate's not covered, I'm afraid. Look, you already know it drains — the certificate just says so on paper. Will you take it and confirm the registered details now?
Bernard Oh, you've lost me slightly there. Go on — the details, you said. Would I need my glasses for those, or can you just read them out to me?
Frank Wainwright Honestly, most of it's just the address and the drain line. Will you accept the certificate and let me put the details down as they stand?
Bernard Well, that sounds very reasonable. Let me just find my glasses — they'll be in the hall somewhere. What was the word again, drain line?
Frank Wainwright I'll be honest with you, the line's been dropping all morning and it's nearly lunch. I'm going to leave it there — it's no good to either of us.
Bernard Sorry to hear that — I was enjoying our chat no end. Off you go, then, and look after yourself.
Frank Wainwright I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are speaking with the householder about their soakaway.
  2. Explain the certificate simply records the soakaway that already exists and is already working.
  3. Address the obvious point: they already know it drains, so the certificate only states that.
  4. Ask whether they will accept the certificate and confirm the registered details now.

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