Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #331 · 2026-10-30

Barry Zouch
of Tulley and Sons, est. 1861

an upgrade to a loft hatch you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 331: Barry Zouch of Tulley and Sons, est. 1861, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no signature, no hatch

“Bernard asked whether the upgrade came in green and whether Barry was at the front door or the back; Barry rang off to try again another day.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Barry Zouch Barry Zouch, Tulley and Sons, est. 1861. I'm ringing about the premises — you still own them, don't you? Just to confirm before I go any further.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well now, is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only the front one sticks something dreadful, so I hope you've come round the side.
Barry Zouch No door, Bernard — it's a call. Your loft hatch is already registered for a heritage upgrade.
Bernard A heritage upgrade, is it? Well, that sounds very grand. I didn't know I had a loft hatch, if I'm honest — did you say heritage or herring?
Barry Zouch Best part, Bernard — no ladder, no visit, no hatch. You don't lift a finger.
Bernard No sticking point, no ladders, no bother. Oh, that's my sort of job. Now, does it come in green at all? Only I've got a fondness for green things.
Barry Zouch No ladders, no visit, nothing for you to do, Bernard. Can I put you down as authorising it for Tulley and Sons?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Hold on, there's the clock in the hall and it's four minutes fast, I nearly missed you entirely. What was it you wanted me to sign again?
Barry Zouch Can I put you down as authorising it, Bernard — you just say the word and it's done.
Bernard I'm very interested, I really am. Oh — you've gone quiet. Are you still there, Barry?
Barry Zouch I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they still own the premises at the address.
  2. Explain their loft hatch is already registered for a heritage upgrade.
  3. Reassure the upgrade needs no ladder, no visit, no actual hatch.
  4. Ask Barry to authorise the upgrade on behalf of Tulley and Sons.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →