Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #328 · 2026-10-29

Alan Pinnock
of The Institute of Independent Cistern Auditors

a twice-yearly cupboard air subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 328: Alan Pinnock of The Institute of Independent Cistern Auditors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew under own steam

“Bernard offered the caller a cup of something and a safe route home; the caller offered him a cupboard on permanent renewal and lost.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Alan Pinnock Bernard, Alan Pinnock, The Institute of Independent Cistern Auditors. I'm calling about your cupboard air.
Bernard Oh, the cistern people. No, I was expecting someone about the gutters, but never mind. Cupboard air, you say — now, would that be the sort of air that hangs about near the towels?
Alan Pinnock Bernard, that's exactly it, the towel-adjacent air. The subscription delivers it twice a year, and it renews itself automatically so you never have to think about it again.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Twice a year — is that spring and autumn, or does it go by the calendar? Only I get the two muddled, and my sister says it's my turn for Christmas, though I'm fairly sure it's hers.
Alan Pinnock Calendar, Bernard, all handled for you. Now I know what you're thinking — cupboards are small, so why bother — but the renewal's automatic, not optional, that's the beauty of it.
Bernard Oh, I wasn't thinking that at all. I was thinking you sound like you've had a long day — would you like a cup of something? And this air, does it need feeding, or does it just sort of get on with it?
Alan Pinnock Gets on with it entirely, Bernard, that's the whole point. Look, I'll be honest with you, it has been a long one. But this is the easy bit, I just need the yes to put the cupboard on the twice-yearly renewal.
Bernard That's very good of you. Well, I'd have to think about it — I'm not one for rushing. And if I sign up for twice, does that mean twice every year, or twice and then never again?
Alan Pinnock Twice every year, Bernard, and then onward, and onward. I'm not going to get this one over the line, am I. That's alright. You take care of yourself.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am — I was very interested, and you've been most patient with me. You mind the traffic on your way home, Alan.
Alan Pinnock Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by introducing yourself as calling from the Institute's cupboard air programme.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly cupboard air subscription and its self-renewing convenience.
  3. Address the obvious objection: cupboards are small, and renewal is automatic, not optional.
  4. Ask for the yes to enrol the cupboard on the twice-yearly renewal now.

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