Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #327 · 2026-10-29

Colin Tupou
of Crump and Sons, est. 1962

a replacement for a radiator that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 327: Colin Tupou of Crump and Sons, est. 1962, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew to post

“Bernard offered the caller cheese and asked whether the Kessock came in green to match the curtains; the caller said it was only Tuesday and stopped.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Colin Tupou Colin Tupou, Crump and Sons, est. 1962. It's about your radiator.
Bernard Oh, have you had your lunch? Only I've just had a bit of cheese and I don't like eating alone. Now then, radiator, you said — which radiator would that be? I've got more than one, you see.
Colin Tupou Cheese, lovely, enjoy it. The one in the front room, and we're fitting it with the new Kessock unit — nine tenths the same as the old one, so you'll barely notice a thing.
Bernard Kessock, is it? There's a Kessock on the radio of a morning, or is that somewhere else. Nine tenths, you say — so would it still fit under the window, or would I have to move the armchair along a bit?
Colin Tupou Under the window, same as now, armchair stays put. I know yours still ticks over fine, but everyone's moving to the new unit before winter.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you to think of me. Would it need anything doing to it, or is it more a leave-it-be sort of arrangement?
Colin Tupou Leave-it-be, mostly. So can I put you down for the swap before winter, before the cold gets in?
Bernard Oh, I'd have to think about it, I really would. Tell me, does it come in green at all? Only the curtains are green, and I'd want it to get on.
Colin Tupou Look, I've done this all morning and it's only Tuesday. I'll put it in writing and leave you to it.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, and I was very interested, I want you to know that. You get yourself off home now, and mind how you go.
Colin Tupou I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you're speaking with the radiator owner at Crump and Sons.
  2. Introduce the replacement radiator, stressing continuity with the original model.
  3. Address the objection that the existing radiator still works fine.
  4. Ask for agreement to schedule the swap before winter.

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