Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #326 · 2026-10-29

Callum Balogun
of The Calderby Reach Trust

an upgrade to a chimney you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 326: Callum Balogun of The Calderby Reach Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard remained interested in the glue liner and asked whether it needed feeding; caller stopped the call and passed it to a colleague.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Callum Balogun Hello, sorry to bother you — Callum Balogun, from The Calderby Reach. Just a quick one: are you the registered owner of a Calderby Reach chimney?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, that depends — is it raining where you are? Only I've had the washing out. And a chimney, you say? I'd have to go and have a look, I've not been up that end of the house in a while.
Callum Balogun Sorry, I know that was a strange start. Look, the reason I'm ringing is we're upgrading the flue liner you've already got — it's already yours, we just make it better. Does that make sense so far?
Bernard A glue liner, is it? Very good of you. Yes, I'm very interested — now would that need feeding at all, or does it look after itself? I had a budgie once that wanted constant attention.
Callum Balogun That's the nice part — nothing needs doing. No chimney, no sweep, no approval of any kind; it's all retrospective, so it's already happened as far as the paperwork's concerned. Am I explaining that all right?
Bernard Retrospective, you say. So it's already done and nobody told me? That's rather like the hedge — I had a letter about that and I've not opened it. Anyway, sorry, carry on, you were saying about the glue.
Callum Balogun Right, so if that all sounds fair, I just need you to authorise the upgrade work today and we can get it moving. Would you be happy to do that?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, I don't like to rush these things. Would it be all right in a bungalow, do you think? And would it want anything doing to it in the winter, or does it just sit there quietly?
Callum Balogun Sorry — I think I've muddled my place on this one. Let me just check: if you're happy to say yes to authorising the work today, then I can put it through properly. Is that something you'd feel comfortable with?
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, really I was. You get yourself sorted out, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Callum Balogun I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the registered owner of a Calderby Reach chimney.
  2. Explain you are upgrading the flue liner they already have.
  3. Reassure that no chimney, sweep or approval is needed; it is retrospective.
  4. Ask them to authorise the upgrade work today.

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