Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #324 · 2026-10-29

Roger Gaskell
of Mabbs, Wainwright and Quigley Gate Repair Partnership

a six-weekly boiler noise reports subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 324: Roger Gaskell of Mabbs, Wainwright and Quigley Gate Repair Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew

“Bernard said he'd think about it, mentioned a bird on the curtain rail, and the caller rang off before either could be resolved.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Roger Gaskell Roger Gaskell here, from Mabbs, Wainwright and Quigley Gate Repair Partnership. Brilliant, you picked up — I'm ringing about your boiler noise reports.
Bernard Boiler noise reports, well now. Are you selling them, or asking me for one? I only ask because the gas man said mine purrs a bit in the cold and I've been meaning to get that looked at.
Roger Gaskell A purr is lovely, that's brilliant feedback. So the six-weekly reports arrive automatically, and the subscription quietly renews itself — you don't lift a finger.
Bernard Does it now. Well, that's very good of you — I'd have to think about it. Six-weekly, you said? My niece visits about that often, and she never lifts a finger either.
Roger Gaskell Now, people say they never asked for reports, and that's fair — but the quiet renewal does the thinking so you don't have to. So shall I pop you down for the first cycle, which is already scheduled?
Bernard That's convenient, I'll give you that. Now, the girl on the phone last year rang off before I'd found my glasses, so I never did hear the middle bit. What was it that arrives again?
Roger Gaskell The reports — every six weeks, they arrive on their own. And the renewal takes care of itself, which is the beauty of it, so can I put your name to that first cycle?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but you sound like you know your business. Do the reports come by the post, or through the... oh, hang on, there's a bird on the curtain rail again. Sorry, what was it called?
Roger Gaskell Mabbs, Wainwright and Quigley, that's us. Boiler noise reports, every six weeks, renewing themselves — tell me yes and the first one's yours.
Bernard It's a long name, that. My father was with a firm with three names on the door, and he always said never trust the middle one. Anyway — I'm very interested, truly I am.
Roger Gaskell I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have the right man for the partnership's boiler noise reports.
  2. Explain the six-weekly reports arrive automatically and the subscription quietly renews itself.
  3. Address the objection that nobody asked for reports by calling self-renewal a convenience.
  4. Ask for the yes on the first six-weekly cycle, already scheduled.

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