Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #321 · 2026-10-29

Frank Wiredu
of The Institute of Loft Hatch Custodians

an annual inspection of a chimney you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, expressed interest in the empty chimney

“Bernard asked whether the fee covered the year or each visit, then offered the caller tea; the caller declined on the grounds that he could not take anything.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Frank Wiredu Hello, sorry to bother you, I'm Frank Wiredu from The Institute of Loft Hatch Custodians. I'm phoning about your annual chimney inspection — is now a bad moment?
Bernard Oh, hold on, let me turn the radio down. There we are. No, no, now's a lovely moment — I was just watching a wasp on the kitchen window, doing its rounds. What was it you said you were from?
Frank Wiredu Sorry, I rushed that — The Institute of Loft Hatch Custodians, that's the name. So the annual inspection we do covers your chimney, whether or not you've actually got one.
Bernard Loft hatches, right. Well, I've got a loft, I think — I've not been up there since the water tank business. So this covers the chimney whether I've got one or not, you said? That's very thorough of you.
Frank Wiredu Yes, exactly — and honestly, not having one is precisely why an inspection matters most. It's the empty ones that cause the trouble, in my experience. Sorry, that came out a bit fast.
Bernard No, no, don't apologise, my left ear's the duff one. The empty ones, you said. So if there's nothing there, that's when I want someone looking at it. Well, I'm very interested. Now what was the fee again?
Frank Wiredu Great — just to confirm, the year's inspection fee is forty dollars, and that's all in. Is that alright with you?
Bernard Forty, you say. Well, that sounds very reasonable — I'd have to think on it, mind. Is that forty for the whole year, or forty each time you come? And would you like a cup of tea while you're at it?
Frank Wiredu It's a single payment for the whole year — I can't take anything now anyway. So, if you're happy with that, is that a yes?
Bernard Oh, that's good of you. Yes — well, I'm very interested, I am. I'll not say a firm yes till I've had a think, but you've been very clear about it all. Thank you, Frank.
Frank Wiredu Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and the Institute as the authority on loft hatch custodianship.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers your chimney, whether or not it exists.
  3. Reassure them not having a chimney is exactly why an inspection is needed.
  4. Ask them to confirm the year's inspection fee and get the yes.

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