Call #319 · 2026-10-29
Mere Petrie
of Barrowmere Threshold Bureau
a quarterly chimney sweep that arrives unbidden · unbidden service
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no yes, caller handed off to colleague
“Bernard offered the caller a safe journey home; the caller offered him a different colleague.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Mere Petrie
Hello, Mere Petrie here, Barrowmere Threshold Bureau. I'm calling to confirm this is the household, and that your chimney sits on the register — just to confirm, that's the register, not the rota.
Bernard
Well, this is a treat, I don't get many calls. Take your time. Now — the register, you say. Is that the same register as the rota? I've got a bird feeder out back and one very determined squirrel who'd like a word about it.
Mere Petrie
The sweep simply turns up on your doorstep, four times a year, as a courtesy of the Bureau — no invitation required on your part.
Bernard
Four times! That's more than the squirrel manages, and he's very committed. Now, does the sweep need feeding, or does he bring his own? My shed roof has a bucket under it, so he'd want to mind his footing.
Mere Petrie
That's the thing — you don't need to arrange a thing, because arriving is the entire service, per policy forty-one B. And no, the sweep brings his own equipment, not his lunch.
Bernard
Policy forty-what? Sorry, my hearing's not the best on this side. Forty-one B, you said. And arriving is the whole of it — well, that's very good of you. Does he knock first? I'd hate to be in the bath.
Mere Petrie
He does knock, and that's covered under the same clause. So can I put a yes down from you, just to confirm the quarterly sweep stays on the... on the schedule?
Bernard
Oh, I'd have to think about that. Hang on — I've left my glasses in the hall. No, they're on my head, aren't they. Well now, what was it you were asking me to say yes to?
Mere Petrie
A yes to keeping the quarterly sweep going, that's all I need from you today — it's item four on my list, and I've rather lost my place.
Bernard
I'm sorry to hear that — you sounded like you were doing a good job of it. I was very interested, truly. Off you go then, and mind the traffic on your way home.
Mere Petrie
I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming this is the household and the chimney is on the register.
- Explain the quarterly sweep arrives unbidden, a courtesy of the Bureau.
- Address objection: no booking needed, arriving is the entire service.
- Ask for the yes to keep the quarterly sweep on the rota.
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