Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #318 · 2026-10-29

Pauline Sandiford
of Palgrave Brothers, est. 1911

a bundle of a hedge and a length of hose · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 318: Pauline Sandiford of Palgrave Brothers, est. 1911, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no signature, line blamed

“Bernard offered the caller a wardrobe of coats and a spare room; caller offered a hedge and a hose and closed on the line.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Pauline Sandiford Hello, sorry to bother you — Pauline Sandiford, Palgrave Brothers. I'm calling about a bundle we've put together.
Bernard Palgrave Brothers, you say — well, that name rings a bell and no mistake. And a bundle as well. Go on, then, I'm all ears. Well, one of them anyway.
Pauline Sandiford Sorry, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. So the bundle is one hedge and one length of hose, sold as a matched arrangement. Sorry, that's the word they use on the sheet.
Bernard A hedge and a hose. Matched, you say. Now, would the hedge want a lot of looking after, or would it mostly see to itself? Only I'm not as quick up a ladder as I was.
Pauline Sandiford That's a fair question, sorry. The obvious thing is they don't really go together, a hedge and a hose — I know that. But that's actually what the arrangement is for. Does that make sense? Sorry, I'm reading this off the sheet.
Bernard Oh no, it makes sense, don't you worry. I once had a coat and a walking stick that had nothing to do with each other, and they got on famously. Do you take tea, Pauline? Only I've a lovely spare room with a wardrobe of coats, and you're very welcome to sit in it.
Pauline Sandiford That's very kind, really, and sorry, but I'll be quick. It's just one signature for both items, that's all it takes — shall I put you down for the yes?
Bernard Well, now, that's very good of you. And it is just the one signature, is it? Only I've got the front door key that sticks in the lock, and I worry a signature would be the same. Stubborn thing. Would the hose reach the door, do you think?
Pauline Sandiford Honestly, this is my fault, not yours — the line's terrible and it's far too late to be ringing anyone, so I think we'll just leave it there.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I was very interested, truly I was. You mind how you go now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Pauline Sandiford I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by invoking Palgrave Brothers, established 1911, as though that settles everything.
  2. Explain the bundle: one hedge, one length of hose, sold as a matched arrangement.
  3. Address the obvious objection that a hedge and hose share nothing but a garden.
  4. Ask for the yes, framing it as a single signature for both items.

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