Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #316 · 2026-10-29

Brenda Onions
of Zouch Driveway Sealing Ltd

an annual inspection of a manhole cover you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 316: Brenda Onions of Zouch Driveway Sealing Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the inspector brings his own tea; the caller confirmed it is on the laminated sheet, and the yes remained outstanding.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Brenda Onions Brenda Onions, Zouch Driveway Sealing Ltd. I'm calling because you may not know the current state of your manhole cover.
Bernard Oh, well now, that's very good of you. Is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only I've got a hedge cutter borrowed in ninety-seven I keep meaning to give back, and I don't want you tripping over it.
Brenda Onions No door at all, Mr Pottle — this is a telephone call, not a visit. Under policy four-one-two, the annual inspection covers a manhole cover you have never used, so the state of it is the very thing we're establishing.
Bernard A telephone call, of course it is, I can hear you. Now, policy four-one-two, you said — is that the one with the mouse in it? Sorry, go on, the inspection.
Brenda Onions That's a different sheet you're picturing, Mr Pottle, and I'll come back to it. If you can't lay hands on the cover, the inspector finds it — that's the arrangement.
Bernard Well, that's a relief, because I've never once laid eyes on it. Does the inspector want tea when he comes, or does he bring his own?
Brenda Onions He brings his own, Mr Pottle — that's on the laminated sheet. Anyway, I've got you pencilled in, so can I put you down as a yes for the first annual visit?
Bernard Oh, put me down, put me down, that's fine. Now, was it Tuesday or was it Thursday you said? Only I've got the garden to see to.
Brenda Onions Neither, actually — I can't give you a day until I have the yes, and the yes is what I'm asking for. So, just to be clear, is that a yes?
Bernard Well now, you've quite lost me, and I was so looking forward to it. I'd have to think about it, and — oh, that's the bird knocking the drawer open again. I'm sorry.
Brenda Onions Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they know the current state of their manhole cover.
  2. Explain this is an annual inspection of a cover they have never used.
  3. Objection: they say they cannot find it — say the inspector will locate it.
  4. Ask for the yes and book the first annual inspection visit.

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