Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #315 · 2026-10-29

Lorraine Quist
of Kowalski, Tupou and Palgrave Gate Repair Partnership

a replacement for the airing cupboard that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 315: Lorraine Quist of Kowalski, Tupou and Palgrave Gate Repair Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller hung up on himself

“Bernard asked whether the cupboard comes in green and mentioned the bird; the caller's script had no field for the bird.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Lorraine Quist Lorraine Quist here, Kowalski, Tupou and Palgrave Gate Repair Partnership — I'm through to the decision-maker for the airing cupboard, and I don't doubt that's you.
Bernard Oh, well, now, that's very good of you. The wireless was on and I've lost the thread of it completely — some chap was arguing with another chap. Yes, yes, I'm the one who'd decide about the cupboard. What was it you wanted with it?
Lorraine Quist Bernard, that's all I needed to hear. Our replacement cupboard range is built for cupboards that are working perfectly well — same footprint, fitted in an afternoon, and it's the sort of thing a decision-maker like you tends to say yes to first time.
Bernard An afternoon, you say. Would that be the whole afternoon? Only I like to know where I am. And does it come in green — the cupboard, I mean. The bird would have something to say about a green one.
Lorraine Quist Now, Bernard, I know what you're thinking — why replace a cupboard that's ticking along fine. And that's exactly the objection I hear most, from people who then go ahead anyway.
Bernard There is that, yes. It's ticking along, as you say. Only I went out to look at the back step a minute ago and it's lower than it looks, that step, so I've been a bit distracted. What was the objection again?
Lorraine Quist So let's stop dancing about it, Bernard — the cupboard gets measured and it gets fitted, and you strike me as the sort of man who says yes to a thing. Shall I put next week down for it?
Bernard Next week. Let me just get my glasses on — I've had them somewhere. Oh, and you'll want to mind the traffic on your way home, it's dreadful on that road. I'd have to think about the measuring, though. Could you say the day again?
Lorraine Quist See, a cupboard that isn't broken still holds its value in the offer, which is why people like you get the first pick of the slots — and the measuring is really the least of it, Bernard.
Bernard First pick, that sounds rather nice. My sister had first go at the Christmas hosting and we've never heard the end of it — or was it my brother. Anyway. Least of what, you were saying?
Lorraine Quist Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the decision-maker for the airing cupboard.
  2. Explain the replacement cupboard offer for cupboards that are still functioning.
  3. Address the objection that the cupboard is not broken and needs no replacement.
  4. Ask for the yes on scheduling the replacement cupboard installation.

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