Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #314 · 2026-10-29

Raymond Pratt
of The Trust for the Preservation of Porches

an upgrade to a fridge you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no fridge identified, caller withdrew

“Bernard offered the caller a cup of tea; caller declined by ending the call, leaving the milk out.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Raymond Pratt Hello there, Raymond Pratt here from The Trust for the Preservation of Porches, and I'm ringing to confirm you're the registered owner of a fridge on our records. Brilliant.
Bernard Oh, hello Raymond. Is it raining where you are? Only it's been trying here all morning and hasn't got round to it. A fridge, you say — well, I daresay I've got one somewhere.
Raymond Pratt Trying all morning and not committing, that's brilliant. So the fridge you've got in your records — that one already has an upgrade fitted in it, just sitting there waiting to be switched on. Isn't that lovely?
Bernard Well, I'd have to have a look at it. It's in the kitchen, the fridge, unless I've moved it, which I haven't. And this fridge of yours has something already inside it that I never put there? That's very good of somebody.
Raymond Pratt Isn't that lovely, though — and the best bit is no new fridge turns up and nothing needs unplugging, so you just carry on as you are. Really easy, no fuss at all.
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, because I couldn't unplug anything, there's a milk float going past at all hours and I daren't touch the electrics. No new fridge and nothing to do — I like the sound of that ever such a lot.
Raymond Pratt Lovely, that's the spirit. So if you can just tell me which fridge it is, we can get the upgrade switched on.
Bernard Now then. Which fridge is it — well, there's only the one, it's the white one with the thing on top. Or is that the boiler clicking itself awake? No, that's at night. Anyway, the white one, in the kitchen.
Raymond Pratt Perfect, the white one with the thing on top, that's exactly the sort of detail I love. That's all I need, so let's press on.
Bernard That's very good of you. Now, would you like a cup of tea while we do this? Only I've got the milk out and it won't wait forever.
Raymond Pratt Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the registered owner of a fridge on your records.
  2. Explain the fridge they own has an upgrade already fitted, awaiting activation.
  3. Reassure them no new fridge arrives and nothing needs unplugging.
  4. Ask them to confirm the fridge so the upgrade can be switched on.

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