Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #313 · 2026-10-29

Kwame Vanterpool
of Garrowby Continuity Bureau

a twice a year, whether or not cupboard air subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 313: Kwame Vanterpool of Garrowby Continuity Bureau, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew in writing

“Caller offered a yes; Bernard offered soup, a stale tin and a question about green, and the caller chose the post.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kwame Vanterpool Hello, sorry to bother you, I'm Kwame from Garrowby Continuity Bureau, a locality office. I'm ringing about cupboard air — is now an alright moment?
Bernard Oh, hello there — have you had your lunch? I've had mine, a bit of soup and I couldn't tell you what was in it. Cupboard air, you said? Now then, what's that when it's at home?
Kwame Vanterpool Ha, that's kind of you to ask — I did, thank you, and mine was a mystery too. Right, cupboard air, yes — it's a twice-yearly delivery that comes whether or not you need it, so it just sort of turns up.
Bernard Twice yearly. Well, I had it down as twice a week at first, so that's a relief. And it just comes through the letterbox, does it, or does someone have to be in?
Kwame Vanterpool Sorry, I keep racing ahead — that's the whole point of the renewal, it just arrives quietly, no fuss, no need to be in. I know air's free, everyone says that, so think of it less as air and more as quiet convenience.
Bernard Quiet's underrated, I'll say that for it. There's a tin on the pantry shelf nobody's opened in years and I'd wager the air in that's gone quite stale. Would yours freshen that up, do you think?
Kwame Vanterpool That's a lovely question, and honestly it's not really that kind of… sorry, let me not overstep. So, if I could just get your yes, that's the whole thing done — and just to confirm, it renews itself twice yearly with no further notice.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it — I don't like to be hasty. But it's very good of you to offer. Does it come in green at all? Only everything in my front room is green.
Kwame Vanterpool Honestly, I've muddled this one, so I'll just set it all down in writing and leave you be.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly. Well, you take care now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Kwame Vanterpool I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by identifying yourself as Garrowby Continuity Bureau, a locality office.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly cupboard air delivery, arriving whether or not you need it.
  3. Address the objection that air is free by framing renewal as quiet convenience.
  4. Ask for the yes and confirm it renews itself twice yearly without further notice.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →