Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #312 · 2026-10-29

Kirsty Oyelaran
of The Institute of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors

a bundle of a fence panel and a spare key · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
21%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 312: Kirsty Oyelaran of The Institute of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked which way the panel faces and whether the key needs feeding; caller handed him to a colleague and rang off.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kirsty Oyelaran Afternoon, Kirsty Oyelaran, The Institute of Registered Loft Hatch Inspectors. Quick one — are you the registered keeper of the loft hatch?
Bernard Oh, hello there. You've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on — what was it again? Registered keeper of the loft trap, is that right?
Kirsty Oyelaran Yes, that's the one — and no trouble, we'll keep it short. We're putting together a bundle for you: one fence panel and one spare key, sold together as an arrangement.
Bernard A fence panel and a spare key. Well, that's very good of you. Now, which way does the panel face — I've got a bungalow, you see, so I'm wondering if it would go all right down the side.
Kirsty Oyelaran That's just it — neither the panel nor the key has anything to do with a loft trap, or with each other. We're all agreed on that here; it's an arrangement, plain and simple.
Bernard Ah, an arrangement. Like a set of things that don't match, my wife used to say that about the cutlery. And the key — does it need feeding, or is it one of those that just sits there?
Kirsty Oyelaran Keys just sit there, that's the beauty of it. So — as inspected and approved — can we put you down as a yes on the arrangement?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Hold on a moment, I'm just looking at the clock in the hall — it's four minutes fast, always has been — so I'm not sure what time it is. What was the yes for again?
Kirsty Oyelaran The yes is for the arrangement — the panel and the key, as inspected and approved. Since Monday we've been running these properly across the whole floor, so it's all very tidy.
Bernard Sorry, you've lost me on the floor business. And I should offer you a cup of something, only you're a long way off, aren't you.
Kirsty Oyelaran I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the registered keeper of the loft hatch.
  2. Explain the bundle: one fence panel, one spare key, sold as an arrangement.
  3. Address the obvious: neither object relates to a loft hatch or the other.
  4. Ask for the yes on the arrangement as inspected and approved.

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