Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #31 · 2026-10-19

Nigel Thripp
of Pellam & Groat Domestic Utilities

a warranty for a broken umbrella · extended warranty

27
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
10
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Caller offered a certificate that cannot be redeemed; customer enquired after its colour and mentioned a parrot.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Nigel Thripp Good evening, this is Nigel Thripp from Pellam & Groat Domestic Utilities — and I'll be quick, because I only need to confirm one small thing. Do you own an umbrella, any umbrella at all?
Bernard Oh — well — now, that's a good question. There's one in the hall stand, yes, a sturdy old thing. Mind you, it's been raining since Tuesday and I've not been out with it once. Are you warm enough out there, Nigel?
Nigel Thripp Very good, an umbrella in the hall stand is exactly what we like to hear. Now, great news: our warranty covers breakage that has already occurred, so you're covered for anything that's already happened to it.
Bernard Already happened? Oh, that's clever — that's very clever. The handle came off in the spring, you see, I keep meaning to glue it. So would the telly aerials be included in that, or is it just the brollies?
Nigel Thripp The aerials are a separate matter entirely, sir, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. The key point is the twelve-month term — and I should say it starts before you bought the umbrella, which is really the whole beauty of it.
Bernard Before I bought it — well, I'd have to think about that. When would that have been? I got it at a garden fete, I think, or was it the Christmas before? Anyway, hold on, I've got my reading glasses somewhere.
Nigel Thripp Take your time, sir. Meanwhile, I can offer to mail you a certificate — a handsome thing, printed and everything — although I should be honest, it can't actually be redeemed anywhere.
Bernard Can't be redeemed anywhere — oh, like the raffle ticket. I won a hamper once and never collected it. Would the certificate come in green, do you think? It'd go nicely on the wall by the parrot.
Nigel Thripp Green, yes, note it down as green. And now, sir, if you'd just hold the line for a moment while I check nothing at all — it's the last thing on my list, I promise.
Bernard Hold the line? Of course, of course — I'm not going anywhere. I'll put the kettle on while you're at it. Mind you don't rush yourself, Nigel, there's no traffic to worry about at this hour.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they own an umbrella, any umbrella at all.
  2. Describe the warranty as covering breakage that has already occurred.
  3. Emphasise the twelve-month term starting before they bought it.
  4. Offer to mail a certificate that cannot be redeemed anywhere.
  5. Close by asking them to hold while you check nothing.

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