Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #30 · 2026-10-19

Gareth Pemberton
of Ollerton & Cress Domestic Arrangements

a rain gauge for a kitchen ceiling · interior monitoring

18
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no drip, no exit

“Caller invited the prospect to look at his ceiling; prospect confirmed it was ceiling, and beige already.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pemberton Good evening, this is Gareth Pemberton from Ollerton & Cress Domestic Arrangements — am I speaking with the homeowner, and not a lodger or anyone just visiting?
Bernard Oh — well — yes, that's me, I own it. Well, the building society owns a bit of it, if we're being precise. No lodgers. Just me and Mavis. She's a parrot, so I don't know if she counts as visiting.
Gareth Pemberton That's marvellous, Mr Pottle, and a parrot doesn't count. I'll be quick: indoor rainfall is on the rise across the country, and nobody at all is measuring it.
Bernard Indoor rainfall — is that the damp coming through, then? Because I've had a patch above the kettle for a while now. No, sorry — you said measuring, not raining inside. How would a person even go about that?
Gareth Pemberton Well, that's the great news — with our ceiling-mounted gauge, tastefully finished in beige ceramic, you'd have the answer right above your kettle.
Bernard Beige — that's sensible, beige goes with anything. It wouldn't be too heavy for the ceiling, would it? Only the plaster up there is a bit tired. Oh — and does it come in green? Mavis is very partial to green.
Gareth Pemberton It's very light indeed, no strain on tired plaster at all. And to reassure you, it only records drips you already knew about — nothing new, nothing alarming.
Bernard That's a relief. I had a leak back in — oh, was it March or the October before? — anyway, I knew about that one well in advance. Now, would this thing need feeding? Only I'm away at my sister's some weekends.
Gareth Pemberton It needs no feeding whatsoever. Now, just to confirm, we'd offer you a monthly reading, delivered by post in an envelope — a plain one, mind.
Bernard A monthly reading, in an envelope. That's very good of you. I do like getting post — it's mostly bills these days. Would the reading be large print, do you think? Only my glasses go missing something dreadful.
Gareth Pemberton I'll note large print, that's no trouble. So, Mr Pottle, all I'd ask now is that you look up at your ceiling thoughtfully — just a good, long look — and tell me what comes to mind.
Bernard Right you are. Hold on while I put the phone down and stand back a bit. Mavis is watching me do it — she thinks I've gone daft. Hmm. Well, it's ceiling, all right. Nice and beige already, funnily enough.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you've reached the homeowner, not a lodger.
  2. Explain that indoor rainfall is rising and nobody is measuring it.
  3. Describe the ceiling-mounted gauge, tastefully in beige ceramic.
  4. Reassure them it only records drips they already knew about.
  5. Offer a monthly reading, delivered by post, in an envelope.
  6. Close by suggesting they look up at the ceiling thoughtfully.

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