Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #309 · 2026-10-29

Terence Quarmby
of Dunmarsh Hearth and Home Bureau

an upgrade to a water butt you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no words said, line dead

“Bernard declined to say the words; Terence Quarmby declared the line lost and was, in the end, correct.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Terence Quarmby Terence Quarmby, Dunmarsh Hearth and Home Bureau — we're calling about your registered water butt.
Bernard Now then. Who gave you this number?
Terence Quarmby That would be on your registration, Mr Pottle — and we're a team on this now, I've just been made team leader as of Monday. What we've scheduled is an upgrade to the butt's unidentified upper section.
Bernard Team leader as of Monday, well done you. Sorry, the upper what of the what?
Terence Quarmby And the best bit is it costs you nothing — this whole scheme is a local improvement that's already happening. So we'd just need you to say the butt is there.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. It is here, I think. Mind you, I've never been up to look at its uncle.
Terence Quarmby Terence Quarmby again, Dunmarsh Hearth and Home Bureau. We just need you to say it's there and we'll take it from here.
Bernard Oh, it's there all right. Is it the one by the porch, or have I got two?
Terence Quarmby If it helps, we can escalate that to the wider team and someone will look into your other one. Could you say the words for me — the butt is present?
Bernard You've been very patient with me. I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to say the words today, but I did enjoy the chat.
Terence Quarmby Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder about their registered water butt.
  2. Explain the Bureau has scheduled an upgrade to the butt's unidentified upper section.
  3. Reassure that the upgrade is free of charge, being a locality improvement already underway.
  4. Ask them to confirm the butt is present so the upgrade team can proceed.

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