Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #306 · 2026-10-29

Rita Harkness
of The National Council of Certified Hedge Auditors

a membership with no savings and no newsletters · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
12%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 306: Rita Harkness of The National Council of Certified Hedge Auditors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit, in writing

“Bernard compared the membership to his sticking gate and asked if tea came with it; Rita conceded nothing arrives and stopped the call himself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Rita Harkness Hello, sorry to bother you, I'm Rita Harkness from The National Council of Certified Hedge Auditors — and I'm calling about your hedges, if that's all right?
Bernard Oh, my hedges! Well, that's very good of you. I was just thinking about something else entirely, so start again — but yes, the hedges are coming along. What was it you said you were from?
Rita Harkness Sorry, yes — The National Council of Certified Hedge Auditors. And the membership, well, it doesn't actually give you anything, it doesn't send you anything, it just costs a small fee for the prestige of being listed.
Bernard Nothing at all, you say? Well, that's very honest of you. I'd have to think about it — now, this little fee, is it the sort of thing that comes with a badge, or is that asking too much?
Rita Harkness That's the thing, you see — the absence of anything is rather the point, and added newsletters would only dilute your standing, so no badge either. Sorry, I know that sounds odd.
Bernard No, no, I follow you. It's like my garden gate, which sticks in the wet weather — it does nothing, and yet it's very much part of the place. So an empty one is rather the proper sort. Now, would there be tea if I came to be listed?
Rita Harkness Ha — no tea, I'm afraid, I'd have to be honest, there's nothing to come to at all. But if you did want to join now, I could add you to the register today, and you'd be certified.
Bernard Oh, that's a shame about the tea. Still, I'm very interested — what was the word again, certified? And is that something you post, or does it just sit in a drawer somewhere?
Rita Harkness Honestly, it just sits — there's no posting, nothing arrives, and I'm sorry the script doesn't have a better answer than that. I'm not really getting anywhere here, am I? I think I'll put the whole thing in writing and let you read it in your own time.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that, because I was very interested, truly. You go and put it in writing, then, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Rita Harkness I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by praising their hedges and association's standing in certified circles.
  2. Describe membership: confers nothing, sends nothing, costs only prestige.
  3. Address objection: absence of benefits is the benefit; newsletters dilute standing.
  4. Ask for the yes: join now and be listed as certified.

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