Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #305 · 2026-10-29

Gillian Bellhouse
of Jankowski, Thackeray and Ottley Dampcourse Partnership

an upgrade to a hedge you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 305: Gillian Bellhouse of Jankowski, Thackeray and Ottley Dampcourse Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno survey booked, no hedge confirmed, caller handed off

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a mouse he isn't on speaking terms with; caller declined the tea and the call.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gillian Bellhouse Hello, it's Gillian Bellhouse from Jankowski, Thackeray and Ottley Dampcourse Partnership — just ringing to confirm you're the freeholder of the boundary hedge, brilliant, thank you.
Bernard Oh, well, that's very good of you. I don't get many calls, so take your time. Now, freeholder, you said — is that anything like a shareholder? Only my brother-in-law was one of those and it went straight to his head.
Gillian Bellhouse Ha, that's a lovely comparison! It's not quite that, no — it's simply the hedge on your boundary, which you unknowingly own and never requested a thing for.
Bernard A hedge I never requested. Well, that's the best kind, isn't it. Does it need feeding, or does it just sort of get on with it?
Gillian Bellhouse A hedge that simply gets on with it, I love that! Now, you mentioned you don't have a hedge at all — but the deeds say otherwise, so I'll be quick and just read you the relevant bit.
Bernard The deeds, is it? Give me a moment, they're up in the loft and there's a mouse up there I'm not on speaking terms with. Do you want a cup of tea while I'm up?
Gillian Bellhouse No tea for me, thank you! So just to confirm — shall we book the hedge upgrade survey?
Bernard Oh, I'd have to think about it. The loft's the trouble, you see. But go on — what was the survey for again?
Gillian Bellhouse Well, I'm wasting your time and mine. Someone else can have a go at this one.
Bernard Ah, that's a shame, I was very interested. Sorry to hear it — you mind how you go now.
Gillian Bellhouse I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the freeholder of the boundary hedge.
  2. Explain the hedge upgrade they unknowingly own and never requested.
  3. Address the objection that they have no hedge by citing the deeds.
  4. Ask for the yes to schedule the hedge upgrade survey.

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