Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #302 · 2026-10-29

Thandi Hollins
of Marchwold Group Holdings

an annual inspection of a soakaway you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 302: Thandi Hollins of Marchwold Group Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard offered the caller tea down the phone; caller reported losing the line and was gone before the kettle was on.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Thandi Hollins Hello there, Thandi Hollins calling from Marchwold Group Holdings, and I'm ringing about your annual soakaway inspection. Brilliant news, isn't it?
Bernard Oh, hello there, that's very good of you. Now, before we get going — is it raining where you are? Only I've been watching the garden and I can't make my mind up.
Thandi Hollins Ah, you're a one, Bernard, keeping me on my toes, I love that. So the annual soakaway inspection covers every Group site without exception, every single one, no exceptions at all.
Bernard Every site, you say. Well, I'm very interested indeed. Only would it be that lot that meets in the church hall on Tuesdays? I keep meaning to pop along.
Thandi Hollins Ha, that's a good one! Not to worry though, because the inspector maps it out upon arrival, so not knowing where it sits is absolutely fine.
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, because I couldn't map my way out of the pantry. There's a tin on the shelf in there nobody's opened since goodness knows when, and I'm a bit frightened of it, honestly.
Thandi Hollins Brilliant, that's just the spirit! So shall we get the inspection booked in for this quarter, then?
Bernard This quarter, yes, that sounds very sensible. Now, which quarter would that be — the one with the boat race in it? I always muddle the boat race with the Grand National, you see.
Thandi Hollins Honestly, Bernard, you've got me giggling here. Now then, the inspection for this quarter, is that a yes?
Bernard I'd have to think about it, if that's all right, but do let me say yes in my heart. Would you like a cup of tea while you wait? The offer stands, even down the phone.
Thandi Hollins Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you represent Marchwold Group Holdings.
  2. Explain the annual soakaway inspection covers every Group site without exception.
  3. Address not knowing its location: the inspector maps it upon arrival.
  4. Ask whether the inspection should be booked for this quarter.

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