Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #29 · 2026-10-19

Gerald Pemberton
of Ashby Fold Domestic Curiosities

an annual subscription to a spare key you keep in a drawer · key maintenance

27
Minutes on the line
12%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale; drawer, string and parrot all consulted

“Caller offered monthly fondling, clarified the key never leaves the drawer, and was asked whether the certificate comes in green.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gerald Pemberton Good afternoon, this is Gerald Pemberton from Ashby Fold Domestic Curiosities — am I speaking with the household at the end of the lane with the green door?
Bernard Oh, that's me — well, the door's more of a sage really, my late wife called it eau-de-Nil, but yes, end of the lane. And a good afternoon to you, Gerald. Have you got the weather nice where you are? It's gone quite grey here.
Gerald Pemberton Grey here too, very grey. Bernard, I'll be quick — have you ever felt your spare key is under-supervised?
Bernard Under-supervised? Oh — now, that's a thought. I keep the spare in the drawer with the batteries and the string, and I've never once asked it how it's getting on. Do you find keys need a lot of looking after, then?
Gerald Pemberton They do, and that's exactly why I'm calling. We offer three annual tiers — Essential, which is a quarterly visual check of the drawer, Standard, with a monthly fondle of the key, and Prestige, where we come round and simply regard it warmly for an hour.
Bernard Fondle it — well! Monthly fondling, you say. Does that include the batteries and the string, or is it just the key on its own? Only I'd want to be fair to the string.
Gerald Pemberton Just the key, I'm afraid — the string would need a separate arrangement. But let me reassure you on the important point: the key itself never leaves your drawer at any tier, not once, so it stays exactly where it is.
Bernard Well, that's a relief, because Mavis would have something to say if strangers were carting keys out of the house. She's my parrot. She doesn't care for visitors much — she'd sit there regarding them warmly, in her own way.
Gerald Pemberton That's very good of Mavis. Now — just to confirm, the renewal fee applies whether or not the key is ever used, so it's the same yearly amount either way, and that's the same at all three tiers.
Bernard Same amount whether it's used or not — well, that's honest of you. And what sort of figure are we talking about, roughly? I only ask because my pension comes in on a Thursday and I like to know where I stand. Not that anything's real money, mind.
Gerald Pemberton Of course, and it isn't real money at all, Bernard — it's forty dollars a year, imaginary. And as a finishing touch, I can post you a laminated certificate of key ownership, which I'd be glad to arrange.
Bernard Forty a year, imaginary — that's very reasonable. Oh, and laminated, you say. Now, would that come in green? Only the drawer's green, and I like things to match.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open warmly, confirm this is the correct home.
  2. Ask if they have ever felt their spare key is under-supervised.
  3. Describe the annual subscription tiers and their care schedules.
  4. Reassure that the key stays in their own drawer throughout.
  5. Mention the renewal fee applies whether or not the key is used.
  6. Offer to post a laminated certificate of key ownership.

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