Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #299 · 2026-10-28

Brian Underhill
of Ingleby Thorp Domestic Bureau

a twice a year, whether or not gutter water subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 299: Brian Underhill of Ingleby Thorp Domestic Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew in writing

“Bernard offered the caller traffic advice and a disappointed dog; Brian offered the post and hung up on his own script.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Brian Underhill Hello, Brian Underhill here from the Ingleby Thorp Domestic Bureau — ringing about your twice-yearly gutter water subscription, which renews itself automatically.
Bernard You're very clear, I'll say that for you. Gutter water, now — is that the sort that comes in tins, or does it arrive by itself? I've got a wasp in the kitchen window and he's not helping me think.
Brian Underhill It doesn't arrive in tins, no — it's a subscription, and under policy four-one-two the renewal continues quietly without further notice. So that's the twice-a-year gutter water, self-renewing, yes.
Bernard Quietly, you say. That's nice — I like a quiet arrangement, I'm on my own here mostly. Four-one-two, was it, or four-one-three? I've got my glasses somewhere. Mind you, does it need any sort of looking after between visits?
Brian Underhill Under locality standards the gutter's own emptiness is no objection — the supply stands whatever the state of your guttering. So, can I put you down as a yes?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, and I'm very interested, I really am. But I'd have to think about it. Would it get on all right with the dog, do you think? He leans on the fence panel and he's particular.
Brian Underhill The dog isn't covered by the policy, I'm afraid, but I'd still note your interest as a yes. Renewal continues quietly, no further notice required.
Bernard Oh, he'd be disappointed — he likes to be included. What was the name of your firm again? Ingleby something, was it? I want to write it down and I can't find a pen.
Brian Underhill Ingleby Thorp Domestic Bureau — and you've said you'd think about it, which is fine. I'll put it in writing instead, and that way you've got it all down on paper.
Bernard That's very kind. Mind the traffic on the way home, won't you — it's been coming down heavy past the green all afternoon, or maybe that's tomorrow. I'll wait for your paper, then.
Brian Underhill I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by identifying yourself as calling from the Ingleby Thorp Domestic Bureau.
  2. Explain the twice-yearly gutter water subscription and its automatic self-renewal.
  3. Address the objection that gutters need no water by citing Bureau locality standards.
  4. Ask for the yes and confirm renewal continues quietly without further notice.

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