Call #300 · on the line
Clive Pratt
of Crump Habitation Ltd
a quarterly drain survey that arrives unbidden · unbidden service
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Clive Pratt
Hello, sorry to bother you, Clive Pratt here from Crump Habitation Ltd. I just need to confirm you're the occupier of the premises, if that's all right?
Bernard
Oh, well, occupier, yes, that'd be me. Bernard Pottle, I've been here donkey's years. Very good of you to ring — what was it you were after?
Clive Pratt
That's great, thank you, and sorry again for the interruption. It's just to let you know the quarterly drain survey simply arrives unbidden, as a courtesy from Crump Habitation Ltd, no appointment needed.
Bernard
Bidden, you say. Well, that's the first I've heard of it. Does it want anything from me, or does it just turn up and get on with it by itself?
Clive Pratt
It's free, it's quarterly, and it needs absolutely nothing from you — sorry, I know that sounds odd, it's just the way the script puts it. You don't have to do a thing, honestly.
Bernard
Nothing at all? That's a change, I'm usually the one doing the fetching and carrying. Would it want letting in, or would it manage the porch on its own?
Clive Pratt
No letting in, nothing like that, it just happens. I'm sorry, I'm probably not explaining it well — could I just take your address so we can book the first one?
Bernard
Oh, of course, happy to help. Tell me, would it be all right in a bungalow? Only I've never had a bidden anything before, and I like to know what I'm in for.
Clive Pratt
Honestly, I don't think it's going to happen, this one. Sorry to have troubled you, Mr Pottle — you have a good day now.
Bernard
I'm sorry to hear that, I really was very interested. You take care now, and mind yourself out there.
Clive Pratt
Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming they are the occupier of the premises, warmly.
- Explain the quarterly drain survey arrives unbidden as a courtesy.
- Dismiss objection: it is free, quarterly, and requires no action.
- Ask them to confirm the address so the first survey can be booked.