Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #28 · 2026-10-19

Gerald Pemberton
of Cranbourne & Slate Domestic Oversight

bi-monthly gravel audit · grounds compliance

18
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictrecount scheduled for gravel that has not yet been counted once

“Caller accepted a second visit to the same gravel; gravel's own calendar noted, pencil on string pending.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gerald Pemberton Good afternoon, this is Gerald Pemberton from Cranbourne & Slate Domestic Oversight — am I speaking with the owner of the gravel?
Bernard Oh — hello there. Yes, that's me, I'm the one with the gravel. Well, I say gravel, it's more of a path really, and a bit by the back door. Now — Cranbourne and Slate, you said? Is that the slate people?
Gerald Pemberton Cranbourne & Slate, yes, that's us — the audit's voluntary, but we do strongly discourage skipping it. Now, if I could just ask how many individual stones you currently hold?
Bernard Voluntary but discouraged — I see, I see. Well, I'd have to think about that. How many stones? Oh now, that's a question. I've never counted them, they came with the house. Would Mavis count? She's my parrot, she's very good at repeating things.
Gerald Pemberton I'll be quick, Mr Pottle — we'd need a count of individual stones, eyes on the ground, I'm afraid a parrot repeating numbers won't do for the register. Roughly how many would you say, even if it's just the path and the bit by the back door?
Bernard Well, roughly — oh, hold on, let me get my glasses. No, not for counting, for looking at you properly. Now, roughly, I'd say a good many. More than a hundred? Or is that my tomatoes. Do you want me to go out and look?
Gerald Pemberton A hundred's a fine starting figure, sir. Now, the process itself — the counter stands with a clipboard, and each stone is tallied once, solemnly, in silence, before being ticked off and not counted again. It's really very moving to watch.
Bernard Solemnly and in silence, you say. That's nice, that. A bit like church, only with stones. Would I get a clipboard too, or is it the one between you? And — now, silly question — does the counter need feeding? Only I've got a kettle on.
Gerald Pemberton The clipboard's mine, sir, one between us, but you're very kind to offer the kettle. Now, on to the follow-up — I'm afraid the stones do need recounting at a later date, so may I put you down for a visit to go over the same gravel a second time?
Bernard The same gravel, a second time. Well, I suppose it's not going anywhere, is it. Yes, put me down — now, when you say later, is that before or after Christmas? Only it's my turn to host this year. Or is it my sister's. It's my sister's.
Gerald Pemberton I'll note it as after the Christmas arrangements are settled, sir. Really it's a question of the gravel's own calendar — but we'll find a slot for all of you.
Bernard A calendar for the gravel. Well, I never. It'll want a little diary, won't it, and a pencil on a string. Now — mind the traffic on the way back, it's dreadful out there. And thank you for the counting, it's been lovely.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the gravel owner.
  2. Explain the audit is voluntary but strongly discouraged.
  3. Ask how many individual stones they currently hold.
  4. Describe the clipboard and the solemn counting process.
  5. Offer a follow-up visit to recount the same gravel.
  6. Close by thanking them for their gravel's cooperation.

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