Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #288 · 2026-10-28

Sione Onions
of Cinderby Interior Bureau

a certificate confirming the phone line is properly registered · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
8%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 288: Sione Onions of Cinderby Interior Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictverbal yes, unrecorded, line dead before payment

“Bernard agreed to be put down, then asked whether the fee went in stamps or an envelope; the caller was gone before either could be established.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Sione Onions Hello there, it's Marlow from Cinderby Interior Bureau! I'm ringing to double-check you've still got our old phone line up and running — brilliant, isn't it, that I get to ask.
Bernard Oh, hello! No, I haven't had mine yet — have you had yours? I was going to do a bit of toast in a minute. Now then, what was it you wanted to ask me about the old line?
Sione Onions Ah, no toast on my account — lovely feedback though, thank you. It's about the certificate, you see: it confirms your line is properly registered, which it needs to be to work at all.
Bernard Oh, a certificate! That's very good of you. Does it come in green, at all? Only I've the greenhouse out back, and I do like things to match.
Sione Onions Green's a lovely thought, I'll pass that along! The thing is, the line already working — well, that's precisely what the certificate proves, so it's all above board.
Bernard Well now, that makes sense when you put it like that. I did wonder if it needed feeding. Tell me, is there a fee at all, or is it one of those free things?
Sione Onions Just a small fee to issue the registration certificate today — forty dollars, all imaginary of course. Shall I put you down for a yes?
Bernard Forty, is it? That's not bad. Hold on, I've got the milk float coming down the road and those brakes make an awful squeal — just give me a moment, would you.
Sione Onions No trouble at all — it's just the fee to issue the certificate today, and I'll be quick about the rest. Shall I mark you down as a yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but you've been very patient with me — yes, put me down, why not. Now, do you take it in stamps or would you rather I popped it in an envelope?
Sione Onions Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming Sione still has the bureau's existing phone line active.
  2. Explain the certificate will confirm that line is properly registered, which it must be to work.
  3. Address the objection that the line already works by saying the certificate is the proof of that.
  4. Ask for the yes and the fee to issue the registration certificate today.

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