Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #287 · 2026-10-28

Fiona Kowalski
of Ferrier Paving Ltd

an upgrade to a washing machine you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 287: Fiona Kowalski of Ferrier Paving Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the booklet had pictures and whether the caller had come far; the caller asked to be called a yes and was not.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fiona Kowalski Fiona? It's Rafiq from Ferrier Paving Ltd. Just a quick one about the washing machine upgrade your premises qualify for.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Fiona, you said? Only the line's a bit crackly my end — Ferrier Paving, is it? And a washing machine, you say. Well, I'd have to think about that, because I'm not sure I've got one at all, unless it's out in the shed and I've forgotten.
Fiona Kowalski Bernard, it's all on file, so you needn't go hunting in the shed. Your premises are already listed as containing a machine that qualifies for the upgrade.
Bernard On file, is it? Well, that's very good of you, very thorough. I'll tell you what though, the drain by my gate's been gurgling something dreadful, would it be anything to do with that? Sorry — what was the machine called again?
Fiona Kowalski The drain's not ours, Bernard, so let's stay on me. The booklet's quite clear that a machine at your place is due the fitting — so just say yes and I'll book it.
Bernard Booklet, right you are. Now, I had a drawer full of booklets and instructions in the kitchen — I've never once got round to reading them. Is yours the sort of booklet with pictures? Oh, and you never said — did you come far today?
Fiona Kowalski Pictures, yes, and that's the one you want, Bernard. So shall I put you down for the fitting visit — I'll assume that's a yes, shall I?
Bernard Put me down, well, that's a big word. Only I'd want to see it first — would it be all right in a bungalow, do you think?
Fiona Kowalski Bernard, nine years on this floor and I could do this pitch in my sleep — anyway. It's on the list at your place, so let's just call it a yes.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, and I was very interested, so thank you for thinking of me. You mind how you go now.
Fiona Kowalski Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming she is Fiona Kowalski of Ferrier Paving Ltd.
  2. Explain her premises already contain a washing machine eligible for upgrade.
  3. Brush off her objection that she has no washing machine she knows of.
  4. Ask for the yes to schedule the upgrade visit.

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