Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #286 · 2026-10-28

Thandi Bramble
of Calderby Reach Driveway Sealing Group

a twice-yearly porch inspection that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 286: Thandi Bramble of Calderby Reach Driveway Sealing Group, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit, caller exited

“Bernard offered the caller tea and warned her about the step; the caller declined both the tea and the sale and said goodbye to a porch that never asked for anything.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Thandi Bramble Good afternoon, Thandi Bramble here from Calderby Reach Driveway Sealing Group — and since I've just been made team leader on Monday, the whole floor is behind this call. We're already nearby and will be passing your porch shortly.
Bernard Thandi, is it? What a lovely name. Hold on, let me turn the radio down — I've got the garden programme on and I can't hear a word of either of you. Now, what's this about your porch passing?
Thandi Bramble Lovely of you to say, Bernard — and no need to rush. The twice-yearly porch inspection is a courtesy visit, you see, nobody has to request it at all, we simply arrive.
Bernard Nobody has to request it. Well, that's very good of you. And does it come in two visits, or is it the porch that's twice yearly? Because my porch is just a porch, it's been the same porch for years.
Thandi Bramble The porch stays the same, Bernard — it's the inspection that comes round twice a year, that's the whole courtesy of it. You see, the unbidden arrival is rather the point, not a billing error.
Bernard Unbidden, right, I see. So it's like the immersion heater, that just comes on of its own accord whether I've asked it to or not. Now — is there a bill at the end of it, or is that rude of me to ask?
Thandi Bramble Nothing to pay at all, Bernard, and not rude in the slightest — we in the team would much rather you asked. So could you just confirm the porch is accessible for this season's unscheduled visit?
Bernard Oh, it's accessible all right — just mind the step, it's a bit proud of itself. Now, this inspection, would they want a cup of tea when they arrive, or do they bring their own?
Thandi Bramble They'd bring their own, Bernard — and honestly, this one isn't going to happen, is it. I'll leave you to the garden programme.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested indeed. You take care now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Thandi Bramble Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by noting you are already nearby and will be passing the porch shortly.
  2. Describe the twice-yearly inspection as a courtesy visit nobody has to request.
  3. Reassure that unbidden arrival is the whole point, not a billing error.
  4. Ask them to confirm the porch is accessible for this season's unscheduled visit.

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